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The medical technology is responsible for increasing the average life expectancy. Do you think it is a curse or a blessing? v.2

Medical technology is a powerful weapon which you use it for extend the average life expectancy of the people. One of the most conspicuous trends of today’s world is that whether medical advancement is of paramount importance by increasing the average life expectancy among people or it creates trouble among them. As such, there are both merits and demerits due to these advancements, although I am inclined to believe that it benefits the people by introducing new advancements to cut risks of death as described below. There are some arguments to support my stance, but most preponderant one is that due to medical advancements, it cuts risks of death by preventing important diseases like cancer and stroke. Not only, it helps in increasing average life expectancy, but also helps in living longer with happiness both mentally and physically. For example, cancer, which was believed to be uncured earlier, now can be cured through penicillin injection, which is possible only via this medical advancements, researcher claimed. Needless to say, all these benefits stand in increasing the longevity life as far as focusing on health conscious and living peacefully is concerned. Another pivotal aspect of this argument is that lots of old aged people benefit by these technology. Primarily, during their retirement period, they face some amount of diseases such as Asthma, eyesore and nerve issue. All these issues is possible to cure nowadays by providing consistent treatment, which was not possible during their earlier period. As a result, it increases their average life expectancy than before. Hence, it is clear why many people support against this advancements. To sum up, considering all insights discussed above that relates to blessing of medical technology, it plays an integral role in enhancing the average life expectancy, which is really great merits.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Medical
technology is a powerful weapon which you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it for extend the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. One of the most conspicuous trends of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world is that whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advancement
is of paramount importance by increasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy among
Use a comma before ‘or’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
people or
it creates trouble among them. As such, there are both merits and demerits due to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advancements
, although I
am inclined
to believe that it benefits the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by introducing new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advancements
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of death as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
described
below.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
arguments to support my stance,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
most preponderant one is that due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advancements
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cuts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of death by preventing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
diseases like cancer and stroke. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in living longer with happiness both mentally and
physically
.
For example
, cancer, which
was believed
to
be uncured
earlier,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
can
be cured
through penicillin injection, which is possible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
via this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advancements
, researcher claimed. Needless to say, all these benefits stand in increasing the longevity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as far as focusing on health conscious and living
peacefully
is concerned
.

Another pivotal aspect of this argument is that lots of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
benefit by
‘These’ does not seem to match the singular noun ‘technology’. Did you mean “this technology” or “these technologies”?
these technology
.
Primarily
, during their retirement period, they face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
amount of diseases such as Asthma, eyesore and nerve issue. All these issues is possible to cure nowadays by providing consistent treatment, which was not possible during their earlier period.
As a result
, it increases their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Hence
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
support against
‘This’ does not seem to match the plural noun ‘advancements’. Did you mean “these”?
this
advancements.

To sum up, considering all insights discussed above that relates to blessing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
technology, it plays an integral role in enhancing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy, which is
really
great merits.
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IELTS essay The medical technology is responsible for increasing the average life expectancy. Do you think it is a curse or a blessing?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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