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Art is considered an important part of a society as well as an expression of its culture. Do you think it is important for children to be taught art? Do you think children should be encouraged to focus on art rather than other subjects? v.9

Art is considered an important part of a society as well as an expression of its culture. Do you think it is important for children to be taught art? Do you think children should be encouraged to focus on art rather than other subjects? v. 9
People have different opinions as to whether students should continue their studies at a tertiary institute or take a job upon high school graduation. This essay will discuss both views, and then I will give my own perspective. Some may argue that working after high school helps those graduates develop an independent life and gives them an insight into their future careers. First, they can learn to live independently by managing their income. In Vietnam, students who choose to work after high school are more self-reliant adults who can cover the compounding costs of accommodation, transport, and food without asking their parents for a monthly spending allowance. Second, working provides students with the opportunity and time to observe how other people work in their workplaces. As a result, they may acquire a better understanding of their chosen profession and thus make a rational decision whether to go back to university or to run a business. Supporters of students’ furtherance of their education have their own reasons. One benefit is that a college education is a prerequisite for employment in certain professions. For instance, it is illegal to practice medicine or give legal advice without a relevant degree in most countries in the world. Another benefit is that compared to those having only work experience, people who also have academic credentials would stand a higher chance of rising to the top and becoming leaders or managers of their companies. This is because the combined qualifications they possess can convince others that they have the necessary skills and relevant knowledge to regulate a company's operation. In conclusion, while there are good arguments supporting both views, it seems to me that pursuing higher education more likely leads to a rewarding career. This is because I believe that with educational qualifications, people can have good prospects of promotion and progress more quickly throughout their careers since companies tend to value educational backgrounds, whereas those without academic qualifications may face promotion problems.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should continue their studies at a tertiary institute or take a job upon high school graduation. This essay will discuss both views, and then I will give my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perspective.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
may
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "argues".
argue
that working after high school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
those graduates develop an independent life and gives them an insight into their future careers.
First
, they can learn to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
independently
by managing their income. In Vietnam,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who choose to work after high school are more self-reliant adults who can cover the compounding costs of accommodation, transport, and food without asking their parents for a monthly spending allowance. Second, working provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with the opportunity and time to observe how other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work in their workplaces.
As a result
, they may acquire a better understanding of their chosen profession and
thus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a rational decision whether to go back to university or to run a business.

Supporters of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
furtherance of their education have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
reasons. One benefit is that a college education is a prerequisite for employment in certain professions.
For instance
, it is illegal to practice medicine or give legal advice without a relevant degree in most countries in the world. Another benefit is that compared to those having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
work experience,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
also
have academic credentials would stand a higher chance of rising to the top and becoming leaders or managers of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the combined qualifications they possess can convince others that they have the necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and relevant knowledge to regulate a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's operation.

In conclusion
, while there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
arguments supporting both views, it seems to me that pursuing higher education more likely leads to a rewarding career. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I believe that with educational qualifications,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
prospects of promotion and progress more
quickly
throughout their careers since
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
tend to value educational backgrounds, whereas those without academic qualifications may face promotion problems.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Do you know what a foreign accent is? It’s a sign of bravery.
Amy Chua

IELTS essay Art is considered an important part of a society as well as an expression of its culture. Do you think it is important for children to be taught art? Do you think children should be encouraged to focus on art rather than other subjects? v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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