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Art is considered an important part of a society as well as an expression of its culture. Do you think it is important for children to be taught art? Do you think children should be encouraged to focus on art rather than other subjects? v.11

Art is considered an important part of a society as well as an expression of its culture. Do you think it is important for children to be taught art? Do you think children should be encouraged to focus on art rather than other subjects? v. 11
As art constitutes an inevitable part of society, and is regarded as significant implication of cultural characteristics, it is defiantly important to lecture children the basics of art. However, the necessity of art as part of education could not be used to prove its superiority over other primary subjects. Kids are not supposed to be encourage to value arts more than other subjects. Certainly the pivotal role of art played in any culture or society is undeniable. In fact, we can see arts shapes the culture diversity among human societies, from tribe culture of Africa to liberty western values. By learning art subject such as the tributes of cultural portrait or the history of local music, kids can develop identity self-awareness as well as the sense of beauty. Obviously, it is beneficial to include art as a school module. Nonetheless, as a basic subject art does not outweigh the importance of the rest of subjects, such as science subjects. Maybe a piece of beautiful music can soothe the wearisome mind of people who just finished a day’s work, but it is the primary subjects like physics and mathematics which help to build the materialistic human habitat. Furthermore, without the corroboration of the rest of the subjects, art could never be fully expressed, just like the construction of skyscraper needs not only atheistic but also the science of balancing every single brick. Therefore, art subject is surly not superior to other objects. As a result, it is not a good idea to encourage children to foster bias about art subjects. Thus, in my opinion, children would defiantly benefit from studying art in school, but that does not mean art should be given a higher priority to other subjects.
As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
constitutes an inevitable part of society, and
is regarded
as significant implication of cultural characteristics, it is
defiantly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to lecture children the basics of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
However
, the necessity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
as part of education could not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to prove its superiority over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. Kids are not supposed to be
Consider using a past participle here: "encouraged".
encourage
Did you mean "valuing"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'encourage' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to value
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects.

Certainly
the pivotal role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
played in any culture or society is undeniable. In fact, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
shapes the culture diversity among human societies, from tribe culture of Africa to liberty western values. By learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
such as the tributes of cultural portrait or the history of local music, kids can develop identity self-awareness
as well
as the sense of beauty.
Obviously
, it is beneficial to include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
as a school module.

Nonetheless, as a basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
does not outweigh the importance of the rest of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, such as science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. Maybe a piece of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
music can soothe the wearisome mind of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
finished a day’s work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is the primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like physics and mathematics which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to build the materialistic human habitat.
Furthermore
, without the corroboration of the rest of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
could never be
fully
expressed,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like the construction of skyscraper needs not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
atheistic
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the science of balancing every single brick.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
is surly not superior to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
objects.
As a result
, it is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to encourage children to foster bias about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
subjects.

Thus
, in my opinion, children would
defiantly
benefit from studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
in school,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that does not mean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a higher priority to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Art is considered an important part of a society as well as an expression of its culture. Do you think it is important for children to be taught art? Do you think children should be encouraged to focus on art rather than other subjects? v. 11

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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