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Are people getting over dependent on internet and phone. Is it a positive or negative development? v.1

Are people getting over dependent on internet and phone. Is it a positive or negative development? v. 1
People are increasingly relying on their cell phones and the internet for managing their day to day affairs, nowadays. I consider that the outnumbered advantages offered by these phones and internet in the form of easy communication, e-shopping, online business and learning have made it rather a positive trend. One of the major benefits associated with cell phones and the internet that make them a positive trend in our lives is the way they have made our communication ridiculously easy, in the present era. In other words, gone are the days when people used to write letters to their dear ones and kept waiting for days to hear a reply. It is through these phones and the internet that one can talk to their relatives and old friends, who are sitting miles away, with a flick of their finger. The adoption of mobiles has strengthened the relations by enabling people to support others through their thick and thin by virtual video calling and using applications like Skype, Whatsapp and the Twitter. Another factor that makes the use of cell phones and internet a positive development is the way they offer ease of doing business. By this I mean, using the mobile phones have now made it possible that the businessmen can make deals or attend their customers by sitting anywhere in the world. They largely obviated the need for large showrooms and shopping malls by introducing e-shopping. Thus, saving the important revenue, a chunk of which was spent previously, in managing these affairs.  It, therefore, highlights how important a role is being played by mobile phones in our daily lives. Finally, the help of internet in rendering online study courses has made it possible for those students or adult learners to study who were unable to join or spare time because of their busy working schedules. They can sit at home and complete their tasks online, according to the timings that best suits them. This consequently portrays how productive these facilities are in our educational carriers. To conclude, I consider that the use of mobile phones and internet offer plenty of advantages that make our lives easier. The video calling, e-commerce, and online studies are the few notable examples out of many. There is, however, a need to educate people regarding their productive use as they may also be in possession of few hazards that is natural to have, for anything of that importance.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are
increasingly
relying on their cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and the internet for managing their
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
affairs, nowadays. I consider that the outnumbered advantages offered by these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and internet in the form of easy communication, e-shopping,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
business and learning
This verb is used with the infinitive: "to have"
have
made it
rather
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend.

One of the major benefits associated with cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and the internet that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
is the way they have made our communication
ridiculously
easy, in the present era.
In other words
, gone are the days when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to write letters to their dear ones and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
waiting for days to hear a reply. It is through these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and the internet that one can talk to their relatives and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
friends, who are sitting miles away, with a flick of their finger. The adoption of mobiles has strengthened the relations by enabling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to support others through their thick and thin by virtual video calling and using applications like Skype,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Whatsapp
and the Twitter.

Another factor that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and internet a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development is the way they offer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
of doing business. By this I mean, using the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
made it possible that the businessmen can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
deals or attend their customers by sitting anywhere in the world. They
largely
obviated the need for large showrooms and shopping malls by introducing e-shopping.
Thus
, saving the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
revenue, a chunk of which
was spent
previously, in managing these affairs.  It,
therefore
, highlights how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
a role is
being played
by mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
in our daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Finally
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of internet in rendering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
study courses has made it possible for those students or adult learners to study who were unable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
or spare time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their busy working schedules. They can sit at home and complete their tasks
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
, according to the timings that best suits them. This
consequently
portrays how productive these facilities are in our educational carriers.

To conclude
, I consider that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
and internet offer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of advantages that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
easier. The video calling, e-commerce, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
studies are the few notable examples out of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
. There is,
however
, a need to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
regarding their productive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
as they may
also
be in possession of few hazards
that is
natural to have, for anything of that importance.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Are people getting over dependent on internet and phone. Is it a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
404 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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