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Are government doing well in educating people to pay attention to the importance of the food nutrition and healthy eating? v.2

Are government doing well in educating people to pay attention to the importance of the food nutrition and healthy eating? v. 2
The issue of whether the government do their duty well in educating people about the importance of food nutrition and healthy eating or not aroused much controversy among people of different ages and different perspectives. Definitely, some people, if were asked would agree with the statement that government could do their job in this field in the best way, while others have a negative attitude toward this point of view. As far as I am concerned, I am in agreement with the latter group. In the following paragraph, I will shed light on the arguments to support my view. The first vital point to be mentioned is that the escalating rate of many problems that relate to healthy eating on an unprecedented scale proves that the government measures were not sufficient. If they accomplish their task appropriately, we should witness the effect of their measures in our society. For instance, according to scientific data, in recent years, the number of people who suffer from obesity increase significantly that linked to overeating. Moreover, the high rate of diagnosis the chronic diseases that related to the lack of proper nutritional status such as cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, blood pressure confirm people have not a healthy diet. As a consequence, this evidence proves that people awareness is not raised about a healthy lifestyle, in spite of the government might claim they do their job well. In approaching this issue, apart from the reason given above, another reason that deserves some words is that the existence of many external things that determine whether people eat healthily or not are another compelling reason for my viewpoint. Take my hometown as an example to illustrate this. In contrast the past, the number of fast-food restaurants enhances dramatically which encourages more people to eat junk food. As you know, junk food due to the high content of fat and nitrate are really harmful to people health. While the government could control it by imposing the tax if they care to this subject. By the way of conclusion, based on the arguments that explored above, I am of the opinion that government does not perform their task to make people aware of about healthy food, as many diseases that correlated to improper diet increase. In addition, the number of restaurants that serve fast-food escalates in recent years that attract people to unhealthy food.
The issue of whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
do their duty well in educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
nutrition and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
eating or not aroused much controversy among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ages and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perspectives. Definitely,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, if
were asked
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could do their job in this field in the best way, while others have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
attitude toward this point of view. As far as I
am concerned
, I am in agreement with the latter group. In the following paragraph, I will shed light on the arguments to support my view.

The
first
vital point to
be mentioned
is that the escalating rate of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems that relate to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
eating on an unprecedented scale proves that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
measures were not sufficient. If they accomplish their task
appropriately
, we should witness the effect of their measures in our society.
For instance
, according to scientific data, in recent years, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who suffer from obesity increase
significantly
that linked to overeating.
Moreover
, the high rate of diagnosis the chronic diseases that related to the lack of proper nutritional status such as cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, blood pressure confirm
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have not a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
diet. As a consequence, this evidence proves that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
awareness is not raised about a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
might claim they do their job well.

In approaching this issue, apart from the reason
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
above, another reason that deserves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
words is that the existence of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
external things that determine whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
eat
healthily
or not are another compelling reason for my viewpoint. Take my hometown as an example to illustrate this. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
contrast
the past, the number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food restaurants enhances
dramatically
which encourages more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to eat junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. As you know, junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
due to the high content of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and nitrate are
really
harmful to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
health. While the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could control it by imposing the tax if they care to this subject.

By the way of conclusion, based on the arguments that explored above, I am of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
does not perform their task to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aware of about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases that correlated to improper diet increase.
In addition
, the number of restaurants that serve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food escalates in recent years that attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Are government doing well in educating people to pay attention to the importance of the food nutrition and healthy eating? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
394 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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