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Animals are in danger of extinctions. Some people say we should protect only those animal which are useful to humans. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Animals are in danger of extinctions. Some people say we should protect only those animal which are useful to humans. v. 1
Many animals are indeed threatened by the risk of extinction. Some hold a belief that humans only need to safeguard certain species that benefit us. I personally disagree with this point of view because I believe that making efforts on animal conservation should not put people’s needs into consideration. People cannot shrink responsible for protecting endangered animals because our behaviour is the biggest reason why they are disappearing. Overpopulation seems the typical example of this phenomenon occurred. In recent decades, people have been developing and exploiting nature constantly which leads to scarcity of their habitats. We take resources from their home and use their meat as our food, we should not be that cruel and inhumane. All animals, including humans, of the planet, have the equal right to enjoy their lives which also means we should not be the exception of determining other animals' future. Moreover, simply trying to prevent certain non-human creatures from endangering surely can deteriorate the balance of the ecosystem and it also can lead to severe consequences. To keep a healthy ecosystem, every animal plays a unique and vital role. If we solely assist some creatures which relatively more beneficial to us, the food chain will be destructed which probably can cause an increase in some animals and a decrease in others in number than overloading the burden of the natural environment. For example, if we try to protect certain predators and the number of this animal is rising, possibly, the number of particular herbivores will drop dramatically, and eventually, this predator will suffer from a lack of food. In conclusion, I strongly believe that we need to try our best to protect all endangered animals rather than choosing to save certain animals’ lives which could benefit us.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are
indeed
threatened by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of extinction.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
hold a belief that humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
need to safeguard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
species that benefit us. I
personally
disagree with this point of view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I believe that making efforts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
conservation should not put
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s needs into consideration.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
cannot shrink responsible for protecting endangered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
our
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is the biggest reason why they are disappearing. Overpopulation seems the typical example of this phenomenon occurred. In recent decades,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have been developing and exploiting nature
constantly
which leads to scarcity of their habitats. We take resources from their home and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their meat as our food, we should not be that cruel and inhumane. All
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
, including humans, of the planet, have the equal right to enjoy their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
which
also
means we should not be the
The usual collocation for "exception" in this context is "to" not "of". Did you mean "exception to"?
exception of
determining other animals' future.

Moreover
,
simply
trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
non-human creatures from endangering
surely
can deteriorate the balance of the ecosystem and it
also
can lead to severe consequences. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a healthy ecosystem, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
plays a unique and vital role. If we
solely
assist
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
creatures which
relatively
more beneficial to us, the food chain will
be destructed
which
probably
can cause an increase in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and a decrease in others in number than overloading the burden of the natural environment.
For example
, if we try to protect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
predators and the number of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
is rising,
possibly
, the number of particular herbivores will drop
dramatically
, and
eventually
, this predator will suffer from a lack of food.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that we need to try our best to protect all endangered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
rather
than choosing to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
which could benefit us.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Animals are in danger of extinctions. Some people say we should protect only those animal which are useful to humans. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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