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Animals are in danger of extinction. Some people say that we should protect only those animals, which are useful to humans. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Animals are in danger of extinction. Some people say that we should protect only those animals, which are useful to humans. v. 2
From our early existence on the Earth, animals have been human companions. However, the animal kingdom is on the edge of being completely extinct. Some people, therefore, may believe that it would be better to conserve the fauna that brings benefits to humans. I am not going along with this opinion, and will give my reasons below. First of all, it is the animal's right to live and be protected. Animals are the friends of human beings but from the past, people have been killing these creatures for food, for furs or cutting down on the habitats where they live to make farms. In fact, they also need to live in a world of freedom as us, with no animal-hunting activities that are just to meet our demands. It would be brutal to let them alone to face the catastrophe that has been made by our doings. In addition, only preserving living animals that we can take advantage of can cause a great loss of the biological diversity. In fact, every creature in the world has many complex relationships with others and when one vanishes, related animals would be severely affected. Moreover, this may exert disastrous impacts on humans, too. These biological unbalances can trigger natural disasters which breed people's death and famine in developing countries. Therefore, preventing them from suffering from extinction would be the top priority that governments would rather concern. In conclusion, I am convinced that protecting all creatures that live on the Earth is extremely important as it also means ensuring our lives.
From our early existence on the Earth,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
have been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
companions.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
kingdom is on the edge of being completely extinct.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
therefore
, may believe that it would be better to conserve the fauna that brings benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
. I am not going along with this opinion, and will give my reasons below.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is the animal's right to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
and
be protected
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Animals
are the friends of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
beings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
from the past,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have been killing these creatures for food, for furs or cutting down on the habitats where they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
farms. In fact, they
also
need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in a world of freedom as us, with no animal-hunting activities that are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
our demands. It would be brutal to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them alone to face the catastrophe that has
been made
by our doings.

In addition
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
preserving living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
that we can take advantage of can cause a great loss of the biological diversity. In fact, every creature in the world has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
complex relationships with others and when one vanishes, related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
would be
severely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
.
Moreover
, this may exert disastrous impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
, too. These biological unbalances can trigger natural disasters which breed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's death and famine in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
.
Therefore
, preventing them from suffering from extinction would be the top priority that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
would
rather
concern.

In conclusion
, I
am convinced
that protecting all creatures that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
on the Earth is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as it
also
means ensuring our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Animals are in danger of extinction. Some people say that we should protect only those animals, which are useful to humans. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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