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Animal species are becoming extinct as a result of human activities on land and sea. Why has this happened? What is the solutions? v.1

Animal species are becoming extinct as a result of human activities on land and sea. Why has this happened? What is the solutions? v. 1
It is widely believed that the number of senior people will solely outnumber that of the young generation worldwide in the future. From my perspective, this phenomenon will exert a negative impact and pose a serious threat to the improvement of society as a whole. This essay will first give a plausible explanation, and then talk about its impacts on the human race. First of all, the situation in which an increase in the number of elderly citizens compared to the youth will put heavy pressure on the government budget. This is because senior generation not only retires from the labouring workforce, but also being paid for their pension annually by the governments, which reduces the finance for other aspects of life. For example, the retired community in Vietnam has received a monthly pension since 2014, exerting a reduction in the total national budget. Furthermore, this phenomenon has been a burden for the young generation recently, due to the fact that the youth has a huge responsibility to provide financially for their families, and therefore, literally no one at home to take care of their grandparents. For instance, Japanese housewives are usually responsible for the housework and caring for their children as well as their grandparents, while their husbands are the breadwinners, and thus these women cannot pursue their own careers. In conclusion, the phenomenon of the aging population generally has been causing some bad impacts on the development of a community, which is a financial burden for their governments and their children.
It is
widely
believed that the number of senior
people
will
solely
outnumber that of the young generation worldwide in the future. From my perspective, this phenomenon will exert a
negative
impact and pose a serious threat to the improvement of society as a whole. This essay will
first
give a plausible explanation, and then talk about its impacts on the human race.

First of all
, the situation in which an increase in the number of elderly citizens compared to the youth will put heavy pressure on the
government
budget. This is
because
senior generation not
only
retires from the
labouring
workforce,
but
also
being paid
for their pension
annually
by the
governments
, which
reduces
the finance for other aspects of life.
For example
, the retired community in Vietnam has received a monthly pension since 2014, exerting a reduction in the total national budget.

Furthermore
, this phenomenon has been a burden for the young generation recently, due to the fact that the youth has a huge responsibility to provide
financially
for their families, and
therefore
,
literally
no one at home to take care of their grandparents.
For instance
, Japanese housewives are
usually
responsible for the housework and caring for their children
as well
as their grandparents, while their husbands are the breadwinners, and
thus
these women cannot pursue their
own
careers.

In conclusion
, the phenomenon of the aging population
generally
has been causing
some
bad
impacts on the development of a community, which is a financial burden for their
governments
and their children.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Animal species are becoming extinct as a result of human activities on land and sea. Why has this happened? What is the solutions? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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