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An increasing trend nowadays is for young adults to play computer games. Some people say this is a negative development. Discuss and give your opinion. v.4

An increasing trend nowadays is for young adults to play computer games. Some people say this is a negative development. Discuss and give your opinion. v. 4
Nowadays, more youngsters are engaged in online gaming than before. Many people assert that this has a negative impact on the gamer who wastes precious time and resources for this indulgence. However, I do not completely agree with this notion and believe that there are some positive aspects to gaming if it is done within limits. The main reason why people think computer games are bad is that they are addictive. Also, these games waste a lot of time. Instead of focusing on their careers and other important aspects of their young life, many get diverted and find themselves enslaved by their consoles. Sometimes these games pamper the ego of the gamer. Young people who lack a sense of achievement are also more likely to play these games because reaching higher levels enable them to feel better about themselves and their capabilities. Unfortunately, this kind of behaviour certainly does not help and they end up wasting invaluable hours in the virtual world, making them fall behind their peers in the real world. On the other hand, some benefits can be achieved by playing computer games. Firstly, it improves the reflexes and the strategic thinking capabilities of the user. Skills like eye-hand coordination, resource planning and team play can be improved by playing games and these skills come handy in life. In addition, gaming if taken seriously can be a viable career option and skilled gamers can be employed by multinational companies as testers and they can also win online gaming tournaments. Many professional gamers earn a handsome living by participating in international tournaments around the globe. Thus, if done sensibly and thoughtfully gaming could very well be a lucrative career option. To conclude, the growing popularity of gaming among young adults is a matter of concern because it may have serious consequences when it becomes an obsession. Youngsters need to understand that they have a life and career outside of the virtual need and limit the amount of time spend playing games.
Nowadays, more youngsters
are engaged
in online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assert that this has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the gamer who wastes precious time and resources for this indulgence.
However
, I do not completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion and believe that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
if it
is done
within limits. The main reason why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
is that they are addictive.
Also
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
waste
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time.

Instead
of focusing on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
and other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspects of their young life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
diverted and find themselves enslaved by their consoles.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
pamper the ego of the gamer. Young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who lack a sense of achievement are
also
more likely to play these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
reaching higher levels enable them to feel better about themselves and their capabilities. Unfortunately, this kind of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
certainly
does not
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
help and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up wasting invaluable hours in the virtual world, making them fall behind their peers in the real world.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits can
be achieved
by playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Firstly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
the reflexes and the strategic thinking capabilities of the user.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Skills
like eye-hand coordination, resource planning and team play can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
by playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
handy in life.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
if taken
seriously
can be a viable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
option and skilled gamers can
be employed
by multinational
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
as
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
testers and
they can
also
win online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
tournaments.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
professional gamers earn a handsome living by participating in international tournaments around the globe.
Thus
, if done
sensibly
and
thoughtfully
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
could
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well be a lucrative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
option.

To conclude
, the growing popularity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
among young adults is a matter of concern
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it may have serious consequences when it becomes an obsession. Youngsters need to understand that they have a life and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
the virtual need and limit the amount of time spend playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay An increasing trend nowadays is for young adults to play computer games. Some people say this is a negative development. Discuss and give your opinion. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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