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An increasing number of people are buying what they need on line. What are the advantages and disadvantages for both individuals and companies. v.2

An increasing number of people are buying what they need on line. What are the advantages and disadvantages for both individuals and companies. v. 2
People are doing shopping online more frequently these days because of the diversity of products which can be found on line. Changing classical market with virtual one can bring some benefits but as well has its own disadvantages. In this essay I will try to look to both sides and to draw a conclusion. First lets see the good part of this kind of business and first of all, is the possibility to find everything what is needed or wanted to be bought. Moreover it is accessible in any part of the country and gives to all people equal possibilities to procure it. Apart of that with on line shopping the customer has the possibility to find out all technical specification or everything else about product before making a purchase. The last one but not at less important is possibility to compare the price of products which it is not so easy when shopping are do in traditional shops. Taking over the disadvantage the most important is the security of transaction. Nowadays more and more scams were happens online and despite of permanent improvement of online banking it is all the time the possibility to loose some money in this transactions. In the detriment of online shopping can be mentioned the difference between picture which we can see on screen and the real one. From companies point of view the advantages are on the side of big retails because they have enough money to invest in technology and they are able to increase the number of items which are offering to the customer and as well they can afford to promote their website and can offer a high secure payment option. For small business it is difficult to achieved those one and in my opinion harm many particular sales.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
more
frequently
these days
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the diversity of products which can
be found
on line. Changing classical market with virtual one can bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
as well
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
disadvantages. In this essay I will try to look to both sides and to draw a conclusion.

First
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lets
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
part of this kind of business and
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
, is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
possibility
to find everything what
is needed
or wanted to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
it is accessible in any part of the country and gives to all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
equal possibilities to procure it.
Wrong collocation. Did you mean "apart from"?
Apart of
that with on line
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
the customer has the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
possibility
to find out all technical specification or everything else about product
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
. The last one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not at less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
possibility
to compare the price of products which it is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
easy when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
are
Consider using a past participle here: "done".
do
in traditional shops.

Taking over the disadvantage the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
is the security of transaction. Nowadays more and more scams were happens
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
and
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
permanent improvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
banking it is all the time the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
possibility
to
Did you mean "lose" (= miss, waste, suffer the loss etc.)?
loose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money in
Did you mean "these"?
this
transactions. In the detriment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
can
be mentioned
the difference between picture which we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on screen and the real one.

From
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
point of view the advantages are on the side of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
retails
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to invest in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
technology and
they are able to increase the number of items which are offering to the customer and
as well
they can afford to promote their website and can offer a high secure payment option. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
business it is difficult
Did you mean "to achieve"?
to achieved
those one and in my opinion harm
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
particular sales.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay An increasing number of people are buying what they need on line. What are the advantages and disadvantages for both individuals and companies. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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