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AN increasing number of people are buying what the need online. What are the advantages and disadvantages for both individuals and companies to shopping online? v.1

AN increasing number of people are buying what the need online. What are the advantages and disadvantages for both individuals and companies to shopping online? v. 1
It has always been the case that in certain ways our lives are intertwined with the lives of others. However, in the modern era, some people believe that dependency among people has increased, whereas others believe that people have grown to be more independent. One reason that people think we are more dependent on each other is because of our reliance on others to provide a positive image of ourselves. People are bombarded these days with pictures of beautiful models and people who seem to have perfect lives. Many people therefore feel the need to go on social media, such as Facebook and Instagram, in order to post pictures and they need others to get as many ‘likes’ as possible. In addition to this, because of the hectic and busy lives some families lead, it is argued they are dependent on others to support them, such as with grandparents helping to take care of their grandchildren because the parents don't have time. However, despite this, overall I believe that people are generally more independent. This can be seen in the way that so many people live away from their families and lead their own lives. For example, families used to live nearby to each other, but nowadays people often reside in different cities to their parents and siblings or in other countries, seeing each other only rarely in some cases. Not only this, people prefer more privacy than in the past and do not require help from others, seen in the way that neighbours these days often do not know each other or interact at all. In conclusion, although in certain ways people are more dependent, it is generally the case that people now live more independent lives. Only over time will it be revealed as to whether this is a positive or negative development for society.
It has always been the case that in certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
are intertwined
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
of others.
However
, in the modern era,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that dependency among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has increased, whereas others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have grown to be more independent.

One reason that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
we are more dependent on each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of our reliance on others to provide a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
image of ourselves.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are bombarded
these days with pictures of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
models and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who seem to have perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
therefore
feel the need to go on social media, such as Facebook and Instagram, in order to post
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
pictures and
they need others to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
‘likes’ as possible.
In addition
to this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the hectic and busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
families lead, it
is argued
they are dependent on others to support them, such as with grandparents helping to take care of their grandchildren
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the parents don't have time.

However
, despite this,
overall
I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
generally
more independent. This can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
away from their families and lead their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
For example
, families
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
nearby to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
reside in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cities to their parents and siblings or in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries, seeing each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
rarely in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer more privacy than in the past and do not require
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from others,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
that
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
these days
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
do not know each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
or interact at all.

In conclusion
, although in certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more dependent, it is
generally
the case that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
more independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
over time will it
be revealed
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development for society.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay AN increasing number of people are buying what the need online. What are the advantages and disadvantages for both individuals and companies to shopping online? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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