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An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and health care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem? v.1

An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and health care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem? v. 1
Nowadays, more and more children are becoming obese and this could have detrimental effects on them when they become older. This essay will outline some reasons for this trend and suggest some solutions. To begin with, obesity amongst children can be attributed to two factors – junk foods and lack of exercise. Children love eating junk foods but unfortunately they are not healthy. The reason for this is that junk foods are full of bad ingredients such as lipids and high amounts of sugar. For example, a 2010 survey in Australia found that 90% of juvenile obesity was a result of eating unhealthy foods from fast food chains. This clearly indicates that junk foods are the main cause of juvenile obesity. Lack of exercise is another reason for their obesity because it leads to the accumulation of harmful substances such as saturated fats in their bodies. So eating unhealthy foods and leading a sedentary life are the core reasons for children being overweight. On the bright side, this issue can be tackled in many ways. First of all, governments should regulate the fast food industry by limiting the amounts of harmful ingredients they use in junk foods and also by imposing sweeping taxes on them to discourage them from spreading. Also, governments can encourage businesses to invest in restaurants which serve healthy foods by reducing taxes for them. Here is a case in study. In 2013, the Japanese government imposed skyrocketing taxes on fast food chains and reduced taxes for restaurants which serve healthy foods, and these measures resulted in a significant decrease in childhood obesity in Japan. Furthermore, parents should also try to encourage their children to eat home cooked foods because they are healthier. To sum up, childhood obesity is increasing alarmingly and this could complicate their lives in the future. This essay outlined some reason for this kind of obesity and offered some solutions.
Nowadays, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are becoming obese and this could have detrimental effects on them when they become older. This essay will outline
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
for this trend and suggest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, obesity amongst
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be attributed
to two factors
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and lack of exercise.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
unfortunately they are not healthy. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for this is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are full of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
ingredients such as lipids and high amounts of sugar.
For example
, a 2010 survey in Australia found that 90% of juvenile obesity was a result of eating unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
chains. This
clearly
indicates that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are the main cause of juvenile obesity. Lack of exercise is another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for their obesity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it leads to the accumulation of harmful substances such as saturated fats in their bodies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
eating unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and leading a sedentary life are the core
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
being overweight.

On the bright side, this issue can
be tackled
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should regulate the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
industry by limiting the amounts of harmful ingredients they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and
also
by imposing sweeping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
on them to discourage them from spreading.
Also
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
can encourage businesses to invest in restaurants which serve healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
by reducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
for them. Here is a case in study. In 2013, the Japanese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
imposed skyrocketing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
chains and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
for restaurants which serve healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
, and these measures resulted in a significant decrease in childhood obesity in Japan.
Furthermore
, parents should
also
try to encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to eat home cooked
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are healthier.

To sum up, childhood obesity is increasing
alarmingly
and this could complicate their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in the future. This essay outlined
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for this kind of obesity and offered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and health care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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