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An increasing number of children are overweight which could result in many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and health care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem? v.3

An increasing number of children are overweight which could result in many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and health care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem? v. 3
The increasing percentage of children who are obese is an alarm which alerts about the extremely adverse effects of it on their health and the expenditure on health treatments once they grow old. However, some measures can be taken to alleviate this problem. The entire world is now in the captivity of delicious delicacies. Children are juvenile and impressionable; consequently, easily allured by the food products which are although mouthwatering but unhealthy for them. On top of it, continuous and catchy advertisements of fast-foods and sweets on the television pollute these innocent minds and they start craving for trying them. For instance, a lot of kids show stubbornness to their parents so as to have chocolates every now and then. There is no shadow of doubt in the fact that obesity is hazardous to human health; it causes many chronic diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure or even heart attack. Needless to mention, these may not be the immediate response of obesity but in the long run the possibilities of falling into serious health issues are high. Furthermore, though with medical advancements, treatments have become easier, quicker and safer, they cost excruciating. Nonetheless, there are some steps which can be taken by governments as well as individuals to deal with this problem. Governments with the help of health organizations must carry out some campaigns in schools to make children aware of the hazardous effects of obesity. At the same time, parents should not leave any stone unturned in assuring that their children eat healthy and hygienic foods in their regular diet. To conclude, I would assert that as children are immature to understand the importance of health, it is the responsibility of governments and parents to make sure they maintain their fitness.
The increasing percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are obese is an alarm which alerts about the
extremely
adverse effects of it on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and the expenditure on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
treatments once they grow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures can
be taken
to alleviate this problem.

The entire world is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
in the captivity of delicious delicacies.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are juvenile and impressionable;
consequently
,
easily
allured by the food products which are although mouthwatering
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
unhealthy for them. On top of it, continuous and catchy advertisements of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-foods and sweets on the television pollute these innocent
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
minds and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
craving for trying them.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
stubbornness to their parents
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
have chocolates every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
and then.

There is no shadow of doubt in the fact that obesity is hazardous to human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
; it causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
chronic diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure or even heart attack. Needless to mention, these may not be the immediate response of obesity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in the long run the possibilities of falling into serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues are high.
Furthermore
, though with medical advancements, treatments have become easier, quicker and safer, they cost excruciating.

Nonetheless, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
steps which can
be taken
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
as well
as individuals to deal with this problem.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
organizations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
carry out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
campaigns in schools to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
aware of the hazardous effects of obesity. At the same time, parents should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
any stone unturned in assuring that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
eat healthy and hygienic foods in their regular diet.

To conclude
, I would assert that as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are immature to understand the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, it is the responsibility of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure they maintain their fitness.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay An increasing number of children are overweight which could result in many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and health care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem? v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
293 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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