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All over the world people spend more time on sports and exercises these days. Does this development have more advantages or disadvantages? Give your opinion with supporting examples from your own experience. v.1

All over the world people spend more time on sports and exercises these days. Does this development have more advantages or disadvantages? Give your opinion with supporting examples from your own experience. v. 1
In some countries, people have different views about marriage. Especially, many Ladies, who are becoming more earning their living and self-made, are not willing to rely on weddings anymore. On the other hand, in some other countries, getting married is a cultural norm for every woman to respect and start a new chapter of life with their counterparts. I believe that marriage is still crucial for some reason which I will discuss below. As the advancement of technology and economic development throughout the world have begun to create many opportunities, a rise of jobs for people to have their career and chance of self-making. As a result, women are starting to go to work and make a decent income. For example, many companies set a new mindset of workplace gender equality, most of the ladies are promoted to be at an executive level and earn a lot of income. Getting rid of the importance of financial security from affiliation that used to be inevitable is no longer a momentous factor for them nowadays. Moreover, Women are becoming more self-sufficient. They are likely to be careless about their livelihood and concentrate on their career, which makes them unwilling to get married at the very first. For instance, many women have over-expectation for their marriage. Because of this, it is impossible and also difficult for them to say “yes” to the proposal and difficult for men to propose as well. Marriage, on the other hand, is not all about the dependency of a female partner on her male partner just for the sake of money or financial security. It is considered as a lifelong bonding and long-term relationship between two people. The first example is the relationship aids the daily life activities to be more convenient and smooth such as helping each other on a daily task lessen their burden to make life at ease. Secondly, they share their feelings which helps them to overcome various problems in their lives. Moreover, the practice of not married is against the law of nature. If ladies will not get married, then no children will be produced. Consequently, the human race would be at risk of extinction. Thus, to save humanity from eradication on this planet, marriage is mandatory. In conclusion, my firm conviction is that the main reason for this is having a lifelong partnership benefit not only encouraging each other healthier lifestyles but also endless amounts of support. Also, although women‘s self-sufficiency still makes unwillingness to get married, the family institutional is always important
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
.
Especially
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Ladies, who are becoming more earning their living and self-made, are not willing to rely on weddings anymore. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries, getting married is a cultural norm for every woman to respect and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a new chapter of life with their counterparts. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
is
still
crucial for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reason which I will discuss below.

As the advancement of technology and economic development throughout the world have begun to create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
opportunities, a rise of jobs for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to have their career and chance of self-making.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are starting to go to work and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a decent income.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
set a new mindset of workplace gender equality, most of the ladies
are promoted
to be at an executive level and earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
income. Getting rid of the importance of financial security from affiliation that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be inevitable is no longer a momentous factor for them nowadays.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are becoming more self-sufficient. They are likely to be careless about their livelihood and concentrate on their career, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
them unwilling to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married at the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
first
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have over-expectation for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
.
Because of this
, it is impossible and
also
difficult for them to say “yes” to the proposal and difficult for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
to propose
as well
.

Marriage, on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, is not all about the dependency of a female partner on her male partner
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for the sake of money or financial security. It
is considered
as a lifelong bonding and long-term relationship between two
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. The
first
example is the relationship aids the daily life activities to be more convenient and smooth such as helping each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
on a daily task lessen their burden to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
life at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
.
Secondly
, they share their feelings which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to overcome various problems in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Moreover
, the practice of not married is against the law of nature. If ladies will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married, then no children will
be produced
.
Consequently
, the human race would be at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of extinction.
Thus
, to save humanity from eradication on this planet,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
marriage
is mandatory.

In conclusion
, my firm conviction is that the main reason for this is having a lifelong partnership benefit not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
encouraging each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
healthier lifestyles
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
endless amounts of support.
Also
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women‘s
self-sufficiency
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
unwillingness to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married, the family institutional is always
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
20Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay All over the world people spend more time on sports and exercises these days. Does this development have more advantages or disadvantages? Give your opinion with supporting examples from your own experience. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
420 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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