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All children should learn to speak a foreign language as soon as they start school. How far do you agree with this proposal? how important is it for a child to learn a foreign language? v.4

All children should learn to speak a foreign language as soon as they start school. How far do you agree with this proposal? how important is it for a child to learn a foreign language? v. 4
Medical professionals and academic teaching staff played an important role in any community. Therefore, it is assumed that these professions should be paid higher salaries as compared to media or sports professions. I personally believe that all professions are the need of the day and we can’t ignore any. This essay will discuss this situation using the examples of Oxford University Research and Time Magazine survey to demonstrate points and support claims. On the one hand, no one in the society denies the importance of doctors, nurses or teachers. Unfortunately, these respected professions are paid less as compared to the media or the gaming professionals. For example, Oxford University’s 2015 research indicates that we can increase the pace of research by twofold by paying more the professional of these professions. So, from this example, it is clear that we have to invest on these professions to get a better output. On the other hand, sports and entertainment celebrities are earning more. This is because, people want to see these celebs more and want to live lives like them. Similarly, a survey of Time Magazine in 2018 suggests that 60% people idealize to become film or football stars because of the glamour behind these trades. So, from this example, it is clear that these professions are also the need of the day and can’t be ignored. To conclude, in any society a more balanced environment is required. I personally assume that every profession has its own benefits, and we can’t ignore any of them. In the future, although media or games will play a vital role in the society building, but we will also have to consider doctors, nurses and teachers by giving them the same pay scales which we are giving to the superstars.
Medical professionals and academic teaching staff played an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in any community.
Therefore
, it
is assumed
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
should
be paid
higher salaries as compared to media or sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
. I
personally
believe that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
are the need of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
day and
we can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
any. This essay will discuss this situation using the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
examples
of Oxford University Research and Time Magazine survey to demonstrate points and support claims.

On the one hand, no one in the society denies the importance of doctors, nurses or teachers. Unfortunately, these respected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
are paid
less
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to the media or the gaming professionals. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, Oxford University’s 2015 research indicates that we can increase the pace of research by twofold by paying more the professional of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
invest on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a better output.

On the other hand
, sports and entertainment celebrities are earning more. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
these celebs more and want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
like them.
Similarly
, a survey of Time Magazine in 2018 suggests that 60%
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
idealize to become film or football stars
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the glamour behind these trades.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
are
also
the need of the day and can’t be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.

To conclude
, in any society a more balanced environment
is required
. I
personally
assume that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
benefits, and we can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
any of them. In the future, although media or games will play a vital role in the society building,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we will
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
consider doctors, nurses and teachers by giving them the same pay scales which we are giving to the superstars.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay All children should learn to speak a foreign language as soon as they start school. How far do you agree with this proposal? how important is it for a child to learn a foreign language? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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