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Agree or disagree? People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things like to do-rather than doing things they should do. v.2

Agree or disagree? People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things like to do-rather than doing things they should do. v. 2
Nowadays, it is commonly accepted that these days people allocate much time to their preferences and like to do their personal entertainments, contrary to this popular belief, there are still those who argue that people feel more responsible about their obligatory daily activities. I, to a great extent, agree with the latter point of view. In the following paragraphs, I will explicate my reasons in details to buttress my position. First and foremost, one of the most important activities, which people is made to do regularly, is people' s occupation. If they do not spend enough time for working, they would not have earned enough money for their expenses. If they do not spend enough time to do their duties in their jobs, they would make some mistakes and the boss would become upset or dissatisfied about their capabilities and in some cases, the boss would decide to fire them because of their poor performances. As a result, the position of their job jeopardize by not doing their duties well. Then, they have to go to their work every day and spend enough time to do their job in the best way. However, if they have not a job, they would not have any salary for their life expenses or even their entertainment. Another significant fact that should be taken into consideration is that the most of us believe that we should sometimes do something that we do not like in order to achieve to its following benefits in the future. Even the work looks monotonous and boring in advance. For instance, many of the elementary do not like to go to school and study. For sure, every body knows that it is better for children to study, they would have better opportunities in their future life. Then, almost all the children spend their time for studying and trying to have excellent background in their school years. It is rarely seen that the reluctant child refuses to go to school. To recapitulate briefly, based on aforementioned reasons, I can draw this conclusion that today people go to their work or school and prefer to spend much time to do their obligatory activities rather than do their favorites.
Nowadays, it is
commonly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that these days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
allocate much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their preferences and like to do their personal entertainments, contrary to this popular belief, there are
still
those who argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel more responsible about their obligatory daily activities. I, to a great extent,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter point of view. In the following paragraphs, I will explicate my reasons in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
to buttress my position.

First
and foremost, one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
activities, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
made to do
regularly
, is
Possible spelling mistake found.
people&
#039; s occupation. If they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for working, they would not have earned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enough
money for their expenses. If they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do their duties in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mistakes and the boss would become upset or dissatisfied about their capabilities and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, the boss would decide to fire them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their poor performances.
As a result
, the position of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
jeopardize by not doing their duties well. Then, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go to their work every day and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in the best way.
However
, if they have not a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, they would not have any salary for their life expenses or even their entertainment.

Another significant fact that should
be taken
into consideration is that the most of us believe that we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
do something that we do not like in order to achieve to its following benefits in the future. Even the work looks monotonous and boring in advance.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the elementary do not like to go to school and study. For sure, every body knows that it is better for children to study, they would have better opportunities in their future life. Then, almost all the children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for studying and trying to have excellent background in their school years. It is rarely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the reluctant child refuses to go to school.

To recapitulate
briefly
, based on aforementioned reasons, I can draw this conclusion that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go to their work or school and prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do their obligatory activities
rather
than do their favorites.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Agree or disagree? People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things like to do-rather than doing things they should do. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
367 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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