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Agree or disagree? It is better for the younger people to take risk and explore new things than the older people. v.2

Agree or disagree? It is better for the younger people to take risk and explore new things than the older people. v. 2
There is no shortage of debate bout whether young people should take risk and explore new things or not. Although many believe it is better for older individuals to take risk and try to explore new things, I, on the other hand, believe it is crucial for youngster to explore new things and take risk. I will address the most discernible reasons why I feel this way in the following. To begin with, people can be more successful when they have knowledge and experience. Taking risk and exploring new things gives young people opportunity to gain some experience and broaden their knowledge. Not only that, but also they have time to correct their mistakes, because they have a lot of time, but older people do not have enough time to tolerate failure or fix their mistakes. According to new survey, about 75 percentages of university students like to fund their own business, and according to on other survey 89 percentages of new businesses faild in their first year. However, this could discourage people to take risk, but we all know many of current successful business man and entrepreneue toke risk and tried different things. Therefore, taking risk helped them to became experienced, and used that knowledge to become successful. For instance, when I was a university student, I fund my own computer company. At the beginning I worked as a programmer, and created windows application. After a year I could not earn a lot of money, hence I forced to close my business. Then, I be hired in anti virus company. In that company I learned that they do not produce mobile phone anti virus, needless to say android cell phone is vulnerable. Consequently, after a six month I decided to fund mobile phone anti virus. My firms became success, in order to I was the first person who made only android anti virus in Iran. After I graduated from university I continued to develop my company and I put my previous experience in to account, and currently my computer company is one of the top ten companies in the word. Moreover, when young people take risk, often because they have less money and less commitment than old people, their failure has less effect on their lives. Because, many of them is single and their failure has less effect in their whole life. For instance. My grandfurther invested his whole retirements money to fund his restaurant. Unfortunately, he faild in his business and because of that my grandmother had to worked as a cashier and my father had worked in a car sell company when he was 12. In contrast, I used to saved some money and I invested my money to my friend company. Unfortunately, he faild his business as well as m groundfather, but because I did not have family or other commitment the result of my failure was not similar to my grandfather. In conclusion, it is for all the aforementioned reasons, I firmly believe that it is better for younger individuals to take risk and explere new things. This is because it helps them to gain experience and they have enough time to fix their mistakes, and because their failure is smaller than older people.
There is no shortage of debate bout whether young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
and explore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things or not. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
believe it is better for older individuals to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
and try to explore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things, I,
on the other hand
, believe it is crucial for youngster to explore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things and take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
. I will address the most discernible reasons why I feel this way in the following.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be more successful when they have knowledge and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
. Taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
and exploring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things gives young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opportunity to gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and broaden their knowledge. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to correct their mistakes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to tolerate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failure
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
their mistakes. According to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
survey, about 75 percentages of university students like to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fund
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
, and according to on other survey 89 percentages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
Possible spelling mistake found.
faild
in their
first
year.
However
, this could discourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we all know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
entrepreneue
toke
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
and tried
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
things.
Therefore
, taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
them to became experienced, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
that knowledge to become successful.
For instance
, when I was a university student, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fund
my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
. At the beginning I worked as a programmer, and created windows application. After a year I could not earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
hence
I forced to close my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. Then, I
Did you mean "am" or "will be"?
be
hired in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
anti
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
virus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
. In that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
I learned that they do not produce mobile phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
anti
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
virus
, needless to say android cell phone is vulnerable.
Consequently
, after a six month I decided to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fund
mobile phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
anti
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
virus
. My firms became success, in order to I was the
first
person who made
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
android
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
anti
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
virus
in Iran. After I graduated from university I continued to develop my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
and I put my previous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
in to account, and
currently
my computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
is one of the top ten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
in the word.

Moreover
, when young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
commitment than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failure
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
effect on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them is single and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failure
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
effect in their whole life.
For instance
. My
Possible spelling mistake found.
grandfurther
invested his whole retirements
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fund
his restaurant. Unfortunately, he
Possible spelling mistake found.
faild
in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that my grandmother had to worked as a cashier and my father had worked in a car sell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
when he was 12.
In contrast
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
Did you mean "to save"?
to saved
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and I invested my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to my friend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
. Unfortunately, he
Possible spelling mistake found.
faild
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
as well
as m
Possible spelling mistake found.
groundfather
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I did not have family or other commitment the result of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failure
was not similar to my grandfather.

In conclusion
, it is for all the aforementioned reasons, I
firmly
believe that it is better for younger individuals to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
explere
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to gain
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
experience and
they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
their mistakes, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failure
is smaller than older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
19Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
72Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
14Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Agree or disagree? It is better for the younger people to take risk and explore new things than the older people. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
539 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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