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Agree or disagree education students in difficult compared to past because of internet, cell phone, etc. v.1

Agree or disagree education students in difficult compared to past because of internet, cell phone, etc. v. 1
We belong to well behaved and civilised society, But there are differences between social mindsets of people. It is always argued that voluntary services such as charity, aiding unprivileged people, cleaning surroundings and many more should be part of the school curriculum. Well, I agree with this statement and I believe it should be mandatory in every school. I shall further discuss my supporting arguments in following paragraphs. To begin with, the social community service will impact children’s mind in a positive way such that they understand the way of becoming responsible citizens. Not only that, they can empathise with socially backward or disable people. For instance, Few years back, my school started educating students about the Swatch Bharat mission and it was mandatory for each student to take part. From that event, I started understanding the importance of making surrounding clean and I learned to throw rubbish in dustbin always in a lifetime. Besides this, volunteer work from school days adds social relations for a lifetime, which can benefit pupils in their later career process. Moreover, helping disabled or elderly people gives inner satisfaction and proud moment, which makes them understand the humanity and kindness. They feel returning a favour to society and get the meaning of true happiness. For example, student who aid at the elderly home would always respect their grandparents and folks. However, few pupils will find this time as an excuse to hang out with friends and might not give hundred percent for free service to the community. To put this in a nutshell, I pen down, saying that even though there are minor disadvantage of such mandatory volunteer work from school, there are huge advantages for society and the individual. Also, I believe it will be one step towards making perfect society.
We belong to
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well behaved
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'civilised' is British English.
civilised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there are differences between social mindsets of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. It is always argued that voluntary services such as charity, aiding unprivileged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, cleaning surroundings and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more should be part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum. Well, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement and I believe it should be mandatory in every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. I shall
further
discuss my supporting arguments in following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the social community service will impact children’s mind in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way such that they understand the way of becoming responsible citizens. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
that, they can
Possible spelling mistake. 'empathise' is British English.
empathise
with
socially
backward or disable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For instance
, Few years back, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
educating students about the Swatch Bharat mission and it was mandatory for each student to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
. From that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
understanding the importance of making surrounding clean and I learned to throw rubbish in dustbin always in a lifetime.

Besides
this, volunteer work from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
days
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
social relations for a lifetime, which can benefit pupils in their later career process.
Moreover
, helping disabled or elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
gives
inner satisfaction and proud moment, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them understand the humanity and kindness. They feel returning a
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the meaning of true happiness.
For example
, student who aid at the elderly home would always respect their grandparents and folks.
However
, few pupils will find this time as an excuse to hang out with friends and might not give
Use "a hundred" or use a number before 'hundred'.
hundred
percent for free service to the community.

To put this in a nutshell, I pen down, saying that
even though
there are minor disadvantage of such mandatory volunteer work from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, there are huge advantages for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and the individual.
Also
, I believe it will be one step towards making perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is wine upon the lips. – Virginia WoolfInspirational quotes for language learners
Virginia Woolf

IELTS essay Agree or disagree education students in difficult compared to past because of internet, cell phone, etc. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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