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After leaving school or university, young people should choose a job or career that they love, rather than one that pays the best salary. to what extent do you agree WITH THIS STATEMENT? v.1

After leaving school or university, young people should choose a job or career that they love, rather than one that pays the best salary. v. 1
Many people hold the view that the salary is what matters the most when choosing a career. Others opine that passion is the most important is the career choice. Personally, I think that job satisfaction is more important than well –paid job, considering that doing a desirable profession Is the key to accomplishment and that passion makes happy. First of all, success requires passion so as long as one effectuate a desirable job, he would be unlike to succeed in it. Nevertheless, passion doesn't pay at the beginning, it’s finally readable. Since, it Fuel perseverance and aspires personal development which leads to the favourable outcome, . For example, I remember when have turned my passion to again, pain and opened “4seasons restaurant “I used to start to endeavour very late and slept only 2 hours per day, in spite of the fact that It was very tiring but I really enjoyed it and now it’s one of the most famous restaurants in my city, that was to say that passion is pivotal to success. Secondly, passion makes happy, in fact, in the average people pass more than 80. 000 in the job place in a lifetime, furthermore, doing a passionate task may not just make us joyful in professional life but also in personal life. And that's because it will add a taste and a purpose to life, to illustrate, my brother used to the activity For the money, but he was very miserable, one day he decided to switch off his occupation Into a passionate one, now he feels better and even his mood had changed toward his family To summarize, it is very important to choose a passionate walk of life Over one with best salary. And that is because when we have a heart is something it is driven to make the most money, success and welfare.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
hold the view that the salary is what matters the most when choosing a career. Others opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
is the career choice.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than well –paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, considering that doing a desirable profession

Is the key to accomplishment and that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
happy.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, success requires
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
as long as one effectuate a desirable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, he would be unlike to succeed in it.
Nevertheless
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
doesn't pay at the beginning, it’s
finally
readable. Since, it

Fuel perseverance and aspires personal development which leads to the
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
outcome
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .
For example
, I remember when have turned my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
to again, pain and opened “4seasons restaurant “I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
late and slept
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
2 hours per day,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the fact
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
that


It was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
tiring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
really
enjoyed it and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
it’s one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
restaurants in my city, that was to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
is pivotal to success.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
happy, in fact, in the average
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
pass more than 80. 000 in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
place in a lifetime,
furthermore
, doing a passionate task may not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
us joyful in professional life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in personal life. And that's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
a taste and a purpose to life, to illustrate, my brother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to the
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
activity


For the money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
miserable, one day he decided to switch off his occupation

Into a passionate one,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
he feels better and even his mood had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
toward his family

To summarize
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to choose a passionate walk of life

Over one
A determiner is probably missing here: "with the best".
with best
salary. And
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when we have a heart is something it
is driven
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the most money, success and welfare.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay After leaving school or university, young people should choose a job or career that they love, rather than one that pays the best salary. v. 1

Essay
  American English
10 paragraphs
310 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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