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After leaving school or university, young people should choose a job or career that they love, rather than one that pays the best salary. To what extent do you agree with this statement? v.4

After leaving school or university, young people should choose a job or career that they love, rather than one that pays the best salary. v. 4
Today, children are under a lot of weight, and one of the most effective factors in this weight is the parents' excessive insistence on success in life. This attitude has been created among parents for many reasons, and the continuation of this process can have negative consequences. The predominant factor leading to this phenomenon is the competitive attitude among parents. Parents often force their children to participate in various educational and non-academic activities because they believe that competence in various fields is necessary for a successful life in the future. Children are under a lot of pressure to achieve the desired results. They also feel proud that their kid has excelled in various fields. I believe that too much pressure has a negative effect on an offspring's mental health. When children are forced to engage in activities beyond their means and abilities, the results will not be fruitful because children may experience a lot of stress. When they try to cope with this pressure successfully, their mental health deteriorates and they may develop conditions such as depression and low self-esteem. In some cases, it can even lead to situations where the offspring may decide to run away from home due to an inability to cope with stress. To conclude, there is a lot of competition between children these days, and this attitude of coercion in children is formed by parents through a lot of coercion. Although this may help shape the child's future to some extent, I believe that most of these negative effects have on the child's mental health.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are under a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of weight, and one of the most effective factors in this weight is the parents' excessive insistence on success in life. This attitude has
been created
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons, and the continuation of this process can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences.

The predominant factor leading to this phenomenon is the competitive attitude among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
force their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to participate in various educational and non-academic activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they believe that competence in various fields is necessary for a successful life in the future.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are under a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of pressure to achieve the desired results. They
also
feel proud that their kid has excelled in various fields.

I believe that too much pressure has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on an offspring's mental health. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are forced
to engage in activities beyond their means and abilities, the results will not be fruitful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may experience a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. When they try to cope with this pressure
successfully
, their mental health
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
deteriorates and
they may develop conditions such as depression and low self-esteem. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, it can even lead to situations where the offspring may decide to run away from home due to an inability to cope with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.

To conclude
, there is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of competition between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
these days, and this attitude of coercion in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is formed
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
through a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of coercion. Although this may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
shape the child's future to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, I believe that most of these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects have on the child's mental health.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay After leaving school or university, young people should choose a job or career that they love, rather than one that pays the best salary. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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