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Advertising is influencing people more and more. Is this a positive or a negative trend? Give your own opinion and examples v.5

Advertising is influencing people more and more. Is this a positive or a negative trend? Give your own opinion and examples v. 5
Nowadays, many teenagers are assessed to commit a crime. Although some claim that after having a long term punishment in the jail, these people are not better to share the detrimental effect of commencing an offence to teenagers, I, however, disagree with this statement for two reasons. One concern in terms of doing an unlawful act is having a guilt for the entire life. The criminals are the people who become worthy citizens later can share their experience with the adults who are going to hit the illegal crime, and also how they have to confront this humiliation whenever they cross over the crowd. Besides this, they have to face the work related problems such as often such prisoners are not able to get their desired jobs. Therefore, they have no alternate rather than accepting a low-level job unwillingly. A vulnerability in the jail faced by the criminal is another area of the concern. Becoming a good citizen these prisoners can deter youngsters from doing criminal activities by sharing how they were treated in the prison when they attempted the crime such as, by having one time improper meal, missing loved one, and living in extremely dark place with other criminal companions. These conditions can make teenagers think twice before doing any activity which is not lawful. In conclusion, not only do criminals who become good citizen help the adults deterring the crime activities, but also make them aware of danger effect which they would face after doing illegal work by sharing their experience. Therefore, I believe these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
are assessed
to commit a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
claim that after having a long term punishment in the jail, these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are not better to share the detrimental effect of commencing an
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
, I,
however
, disagree with this statement for two reasons.

One concern in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
an unlawful act is having a guilt for the entire life. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
are the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who become worthy citizens later can share their experience with the adults who are going to hit the illegal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, and
also
how they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
confront this humiliation whenever they cross over the crowd.
Besides
this, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face the work related problems such as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
such prisoners are not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their desired jobs.
Therefore
, they have no alternate
rather
than accepting a low-level job
unwillingly
.

A vulnerability in the jail faced by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
is another area of the concern. Becoming a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizen these prisoners can deter youngsters from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
activities by sharing how they
were treated
in the prison when they attempted the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
such as, by having one time improper meal, missing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
one, and living in
extremely
dark place with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
companions. These conditions can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
twice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
any activity which is not lawful.

In conclusion
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
who become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the adults deterring the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
activities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them aware of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
effect which they would face after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
illegal work by sharing their experience.
Therefore
, I believe these are the best
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to talk to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of committing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Advertising is influencing people more and more. Is this a positive or a negative trend? Give your own opinion and examples v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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