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Advertising campaigns on TV that are targeted at children should be banned. v.2

Advertising campaigns on TV that are targeted at children should be banned. v. 2
We live in a world which is full of advertisement and these adverts are consciously and subconsciously shaping our purchasing habits. Adverts that target children, be it on TV, billboards or the internet, should be completely banned as their marketing strategies to target children are totally unethical and have detrimental effects on our young generation. In the first place, children are not decision makers and not matured enough to differentiate quality products from low-grade ones. Adverts that are primarily intended for young fail to comply with the very fundamental norm of ethical advertising - to inform people. For instance, many chocolate companies make advertisements to allure children and their adverts have more fantasy than facts. Though they know that parents would be the potential purchaser, they try to use the sentiments of children and their desires to trap parents to buy their products. Since this is quite obvious that advertisements made for children have an immoral and unacceptable objective, these adverts should not be allowed to be shown on mass media. Furthermore, children these days watch TV more than ever before. This is why allowing fabricated and immoral adverts would expose them to a pseudo-real world where they would be brainwashed. Childhood is the most precious time for the proper psychological development and that is why adverts that target children are detrimental to their cognitive development. To conclude, all campaigns and adverts that target children have only one thing common - mislead the young, allure them and force their parents to purchase products that they otherwise would not have purchased. Those unethical and heinous advertisement must be prohibited on TV by all means.
We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a world which is full of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
and these adverts are
consciously
and
subconsciously
shaping our purchasing habits. Adverts that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
target
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, be it on TV, billboards or the internet, should be completely banned as their marketing strategies to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
target
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
totally
unethical and have detrimental effects on our young generation.

In the
first
place,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not decision makers and not matured
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to differentiate quality products from low-grade ones. Adverts that are
primarily
intended for young fail to comply with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
fundamental norm of ethical advertising
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
to inform
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
chocolate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
to allure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and their adverts have more fantasy than facts. Though they know that parents would be the potential purchaser, they try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the sentiments of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and their desires to trap parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
their products. Since this is quite obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
made for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have an immoral and unacceptable objective, these adverts should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
be shown
on mass media.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
these days
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV more than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. This is why allowing fabricated and immoral adverts would expose them to a pseudo-real world where they would
be brainwashed
. Childhood is the most precious time for the proper psychological development and
that is
why adverts that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
target
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are detrimental to their cognitive development.

To conclude
, all campaigns and adverts that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
target
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one thing common
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
mislead the young, allure them and force their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
products that they
otherwise
would not have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
. Those unethical and heinous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be prohibited
on TV by all means.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Advertising campaigns on TV that are targeted at children should be banned. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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