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Advertising campaigns on TV that are targeted at children should be banned. To what extent to you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.1

Advertising campaigns on TV that are targeted at children should be banned. v. 1
Nowadays, education is essential in everyone’s life. So, people should study at least up to the age of eighteen. I believe that by studying, they can gain basic knowledge and develop their mental ability. To commence with, if masses study until a certain age limit that is eighteen years, they can acquire secondary education. This could not only help them in their day-to-day life tasks, but also act as a base for higher education. For example, in a survey conducted by The Tribune, it is found that people who studied the above-mentioned age limit are spending their lives more efficiently as compared to others who did not. Besides, almost 50 percent of them got higher degrees. Hence, getting education up to a defined age limit is imperative for everyone. Moreover, when individuals gain an education, it sharpens their intellectual skills, and this might help make critical decisions throughout their lives. Therefore, there is an overall development of their brains, which can also make their future bright. For instance, secondary education is free for all the people in Canada; consequently, the unemployment rate is least in this country throughout the world. Thus studying up to age eighteen years enhances the thinking level of individuals and increases employment rate. To summarize, education is necessary for everyone as they need to acquire knowledge, and it also helps them to get a job by developing their mental ability. Therefore, I think that people should get education until they reach the age of eighteen years.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is essential in everyone’s life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should study at least up to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of eighteen. I believe that by studying, they can gain basic knowledge and develop their mental ability.

To commence with, if masses study until a certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
limit
that is
eighteen years, they can acquire secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. This could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in their day-to-day life tasks,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
act as a base for higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
For example
, in a survey conducted by The Tribune, it
is found
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who studied the above-mentioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
limit are spending their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
more
efficiently
as compared to others who did not.
Besides
, almost 50 percent of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
higher degrees.
Hence
, getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
up to a defined
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
limit is imperative for everyone.

Moreover
, when individuals gain an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, it sharpens their intellectual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, and this might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
critical decisions throughout their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Therefore
, there is an
overall
development of their brains, which can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their future bright.
For instance
, secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is free for all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in Canada;
consequently
, the unemployment rate is least in this country throughout the world.
Thus
studying up to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
eighteen years enhances the thinking level of individuals and increases employment rate.

To summarize
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is necessary for everyone as they need to acquire knowledge, and it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job by developing their mental ability.
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
until they reach the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of eighteen years.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Advertising campaigns on TV that are targeted at children should be banned. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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