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A report indicated that many children between 7 and 11 spend too much time watching television and playing videos game. How does this problem affect children? What measures can be taken to control it? v.1

A report indicated that many children between 7 and 11 spend too much time watching television and playing videos game. How does this problem affect children? What measures can be taken to control it? v. 1
Electronical entertainment has become more popular among children nowadays. A research has showed that children in the age group of 7 to 11 are consuming too much time for the new entertaining systems such as television and video games. Several problems have occurred and had direct impacts on these kids. Luckily, there are some solutions to tackle these matters. To begin with, some major issues need to be taken into serious consideration. The first one to mention is the effect on kids’ social experience. During the age between 7 and 11, it is proved that the young can develop their socializing skills faster and more effective than when they are older. However, since they are spending too much time on the indoor entertaining systems, the outdoor ones, in which kids can interact and socialize with the others, will be ignored and missed. Thus, these children are unknowingly limiting their own social skills which are quite essential for the future. The second problem is the impact on children’s health which, in this case, will be their eyesight. The longer they stare at the television or computer’s screen, the faster their eyesight degrades every day. In the long term, this could result in permanent short-sighted eyes or even blindness. Fortunately, steps can be taken to improve this situation. Firstly, parents can sign up some outdoor activities for both them and their kids. The participation of the parents will encourage the children to join. As a result, people will help their kids make new friends and develop social skills. Secondly, family’s policy could be applied to restrict the amount of time of using TV and playing video games. For example, many parents only allow kids to play video games for 1 hour a day so that the children have to find other healthier activities to skill time. This method not only helps to prevent eye’s problems but also creates new hobbies for the children. In conclusion, watching TV or playing video games too much may affect children in the age between 7 and 11 in several ways. However, there are two solutions that adults can take to address these problems.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Electronical
entertainment has become more popular among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
nowadays.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the age group of 7 to 11 are consuming too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for the new entertaining systems such as television and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
have occurred and had direct impacts on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. Luckily, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions to tackle these matters.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
major issues need to
be taken
into serious consideration. The
first
one to mention is the effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids’
social experience. During the age between 7 and 11, it
is proved
that the young can develop their socializing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
faster and more effective than when they are older.
However
, since they are spending too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on the indoor entertaining systems, the outdoor ones, in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
can interact and socialize with the others, will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
and missed.
Thus
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
unknowingly
limiting their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
which are quite essential for the future. The second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is the impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health which,
in this case
, will be their eyesight. The longer they stare at the television or computer’s screen, the faster their eyesight degrades every day. In the long term, this could result in permanent short-sighted eyes or even blindness.

Fortunately
, steps can
be taken
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
this situation.
Firstly
, parents can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
outdoor activities for both them and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. The participation of the parents will encourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
.
As a result
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends and develop social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
Secondly
, family’s policy could
be applied
to restrict the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of using TV and playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for 1 hour a day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
find other healthier activities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This method not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
eye’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
creates new hobbies for the children.

In conclusion
, watching TV or playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
too much may affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the age between 7 and 11 in several ways.
However
, there are two solutions that adults can take to address these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay A report indicated that many children between 7 and 11 spend too much time watching television and playing videos game. How does this problem affect children? What measures can be taken to control it? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
357 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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