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According to a recent study, the more time people used the internet the less time they spend with real human beings. Some people say that instead of seing the internet as a way of opening up new communication possibilities worldwide, we should be concerned about the effect this is having on social interaction. How far do you agree with this opinion? v.1

According to a recent study, the more time people used the internet the less time they spend with real human beings. Some people say that instead of seing the internet as a way of opening up new communication possibilities worldwide, we should be concerned about the effect this is having on social interaction. How far do you agree with this opinion? v. 1
A recent study has shown that people spend more time on the internet than relating to human being, although the technology has helped the world communicate positively, but significantly have a negative effect on our affair with others in our day to day activities. Firstly, the use of the internet in communication in our environment of today has really contributed positively to the economy and social life by the use of email, Facebook and so on. For instance, the people you never dreamed of talking to or knowing in the whole part of the world will be communicated with. Moreover, by sending email to people on business transactions, within a few seconds, you get your feedback and know the next step to take. However, this has caused so many people not to be in accord with friends or neighbours which can result to low self esteem. Having a connection with human being helps in building one's interpersonal skills such as morale, trust, thereby when found in the midst of different people or crowd, we can be able to communicate fluently without being timid. In addition, "a friend in need is a friend indeed, " building good communication with friends gives the opportunity the Information Technology cannot provide in times of need. Also, when in a dilemma, the adage says "two good heads are better than one", with socialization, the parties concerned can reason together and get to the conclusion of the matter. Furthermore, human affair has contributed greatly in reducing psychological issues such as depression, and anxiety which in turn has reduced the rate of suicide attempt in our environment. In my opinion, I thereby conclude that people should spend quality time in building relationship with a human being rather than being on the internet all day.
A recent study has shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend more time on the internet than relating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
being, although the technology has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
the world communicate
positively
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
significantly
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on our affair with others in our
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
activities.

Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the internet in communication in our environment of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
has
really
contributed
positively
to the economy and social life by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of email, Facebook and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
For instance
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
you never dreamed of talking to or knowing in the whole part of the world will
be communicated
with.
Moreover
, by sending email to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on business transactions, within a few seconds, you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
your feedback and know the
next
step to take.

However
, this has caused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
not to be in accord with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
or
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
which can result to low
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self esteem
. Having a connection with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in building one's interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as morale, trust, thereby when found in the midst of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or crowd, we can be able to communicate
fluently
without being timid.

In addition
,
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
in need is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
indeed
,
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
"
building
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
communication with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
gives the opportunity the Information Technology cannot provide in times of need.
Also
, when in a dilemma, the adage says
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
two
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
heads are better than one
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
, with socialization, the parties concerned can reason together and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to the conclusion of the matter.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
affair has contributed
greatly
in reducing psychological issues such as depression, and anxiety which in turn has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the rate of suicide attempt in our environment. In my opinion, I thereby conclude that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should spend quality time in building relationship with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
being
rather
than being on the internet all day.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay According to a recent study, the more time people used the internet the less time they spend with real human beings. Some people say that instead of seing the internet as a way of opening up new communication possibilities worldwide, we should be concerned about the effect this is having on social interaction. How far do you agree with this opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
297 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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