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A rapidly increasing global population will lead to many social and environmental problems unless something is done to address this impending catastrophe. Suggest ways to help slow down this trend. v.1

A rapidly increasing global population will lead to many social and environmental problems unless something is done to address this impending catastrophe. Suggest ways to help slow down this trend. v. 1
School education plays a vital role in the overall development of children. So, what kinds of skills should be imparted to children is always a debatable issue among educationalists. A portion of the society thinks that, pupils should be emphasized to be competitive, whereas, others, believe that working and co-operating with others are beneficial for them. This essay is an attempt to discuss both views and gives its own opinion at the end. On the one hand, in this fast-paced life, everyone needs to outsmart others, to achieve the success. Competing with others, encourages students, to learn from their peers and hence, they push themselves to do more hard work. As a result, students try to enhance their knowledge to become better than anyone else. However, if this competition is not healthy, children may end up with depression and other mental illnesses, as competitions always put pressure on children. For example, a study carried out by the American Education Association, has revealed that, twenty percent of children attempt suicide by feeling more competitive. On the other hand, some people consider the school, as the best learning platform, where children can learn essential skills, such as, working in a team, leading a team and co-operating with others. These skills are useful For them to get a better job in future. Moreover, studying together also improves students' intellectual skill and communication power, using which, they learn how to socialize with others. To conclude, according to me, as children are agile and impulsive by nature, they should be taught to cooperate and to socialize  with others. By improving such skills they can evolve into better citizens.
School education plays a vital role in the
overall
development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, what kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
should
be imparted
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is always a debatable issue among educationalists. A portion of the society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that, pupils should
be emphasized
to be competitive, whereas, others, believe that working and co-operating with others are beneficial for them. This essay is an attempt to discuss both views and gives its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.

On the one hand, in this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-paced life, everyone needs to outsmart others, to achieve the success. Competing with others, encourages students, to learn from their peers and
hence
, they push themselves to do more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work.
As a result
, students try to enhance their knowledge to become better than anyone else.
However
, if this competition is not healthy,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up with depression and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
mental illnesses, as competitions always put pressure on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For example
, a study carried out by the American Education Association, has revealed that, twenty percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
attempt suicide by feeling more competitive.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider the school, as the best learning platform, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can learn essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, such as, working in a team, leading a team and co-operating with others. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are useful For them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a better job
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
Moreover
, studying together
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
students' intellectual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
and communication power, using which, they learn how to socialize with others.

To conclude
, according to me, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are agile and impulsive by nature, they should
be taught
to cooperate and to socialize
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
with others. By improving such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
they can evolve into better citizens.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay A rapidly increasing global population will lead to many social and environmental problems unless something is done to address this impending catastrophe. Suggest ways to help slow down this trend. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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