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A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.35

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important. with this opinion? v. 35
It is often argued that these days, position and wealth are more important in determining a person's value rather than traditional ethics of honour, kindness, and trust. I completely agree with this statement because as mankind has evolved, so does the principles that we carry. Our traditional values shifted as technological advancement took place along with globalization. As a result, our original values, that we hold to a certain standard, become blurry because negative influences were entering our nation from every way possible, either technologically or culturally. Furthermore, These developments helped improve the world economy. A lot of countries that were undergoing recession experienced a dramatic upturn in their economies. Thus, the idea that money can buy us happiness was born because having money was a rarity during that time. People would also believe that if they were someone of importance, their wishes would instantaneously come true, which was essentially accurate. For instance, someone who works in the government around that time would have easier access to numerous necessities. In addition, social segregation becomes more apparent as the years go by. The distinct features of different social class are fairly visible. Consequently resulting in discrimination over those who don't belong in the same class. Individuals who belong in the higher social class hold themselves up to be superior than others. Such thing can be seen in our daily life, like how students with a wealthier background will go to private school, whereas those who are not so fortunate will go to a public one In conclusion, I agree that hitherto, our perspectives on the values that are important have definitely shifted for numerous reason. However, it doesn't mean that those values are necessarily the right ones to prioritize.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that these days, position and wealth are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in determining a person's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
rather
than traditional ethics of
Possible spelling mistake. 'honour' is British English.
honour
, kindness, and trust. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
as mankind has evolved,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
does the principles that we carry.

Our traditional values shifted as technological advancement took place along with globalization.
As a result
, our original values, that we hold to a certain standard, become blurry
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influences were entering our nation from every way possible, either
technologically
or
culturally
.
Furthermore
, These developments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the world economy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
countries that were undergoing recession experienced a dramatic upturn in their economies.
Thus
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that money can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
us happiness
was born
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
having money was a rarity during that time.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
would
also
believe that if they were someone of importance, their wishes would
instantaneously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
true, which was
essentially
accurate.
For instance
, someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
works in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
around that time would have easier access to numerous necessities.

In addition
, social segregation becomes more apparent as the years go by. The distinct features of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
are
fairly
visible.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Consequently
resulting in discrimination over those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
don't belong in the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. Individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
belong in the higher social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
hold themselves up to be
Some adjectives derived from Latin act as both adjective and comparative. In these cases use the collocation 'to'
superior than
others.

Such thing can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in our daily life, like how students with a wealthier background will go to private school, whereas those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
fortunate will go to a public one

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that hitherto, our perspectives on the values that are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
have definitely shifted for numerous reason.
However
, it doesn't mean that those values are
necessarily
the right ones to prioritize.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important. with this opinion? v. 35

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
288 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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