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Many parents complaint about violence promoted to their children through video games, TV programs and other media. Why it is happening? What can be the solution for it? v.1

Many parents complaint about violence promoted to their children through video games, TV programs and other media. Why it is happening? What can be the solution for it? v. 1
Violence portrays in entertainment programs than ever before. Many children are getting attracted by violent activities, either watching television or playing action games. Atrocious TV programs not only bad impact youngster's attitudes, but also affect critical thinking. Certainly, guardian negligence is a reason for offspring violence, which can be curbed by better parenting and social activities. Indeed, most of the time, parents are busy in working that provide escape to juveniles to indulge in brutality. Teenagers are immature and try to imitate the same action, what they usually watch in various episodes and computer games, whereby anger and insensitivity develop in their mindset. Also, parent's reluctant attitude to play outdoors due to the fear of injury leads them to more watching TVs and video games, which are consisting of violent contents. According to a report of the New York Times, 60% students who have been watching violent content shown with a high level of aggression that is why bully cases have increased in schools. Thus, the ignorance of parents can make children aggressive. However, this aggressive behaviour can be remedied by the parents' attentiveness. Elders have to be taped on their teenager's routine activities and closely monitor their behaviour. Arguably, sitting together for a while with youngsters when they are watching television and educate them about the reality of violence in real life can help to make them aware of the side effects of exaggerated thrills entertainment. Moreover, inspire to adolescents for outdoor activities not only save them from aggression, but also beneficial for their overall health. Therefore, vigilant monitoring and guidance can easily overcome the problem of violence. In conclusion, it is common to edit thrilling and violent action to make dull stories exciting by broadcasters. Owing to this, aggression and boldness are driven in young minds, which can be alleviated by parents' proactive approaches and encourage juveniles to participate in physical activities.
Violence portrays in entertainment programs than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
children are getting attracted by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, either watching television or playing action games. Atrocious TV programs not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact youngster's attitudes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
affect critical thinking.
Certainly
, guardian negligence is a reason for offspring violence, which can
be curbed
by better parenting and social activities.

Indeed
, most of the time, parents are busy in working that provide escape to juveniles to indulge in brutality.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
are immature and try to imitate the same action, what they
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
in various episodes and computer games, whereby anger and insensitivity develop in their mindset.
Also
, parent's reluctant attitude to play outdoors due to the fear of injury leads them to more watching TVs and video games, which
The verb 'consisting' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are consisting
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
contents. According to a report of the New York Times, 60% students who have been watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
content shown with a high level of aggression
that is
why bully cases have increased in schools.
Thus
, the ignorance of parents can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
children aggressive.

However
, this aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
can
be remedied
by the parents' attentiveness. Elders
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be taped
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
's routine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and
closely
monitor their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
Arguably
, sitting together for a while with youngsters when they are watching television and educate them about the reality of violence in real life can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them aware of the side effects of exaggerated thrills entertainment.
Moreover
, inspire to adolescents for outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
save them from aggression,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
beneficial for their
overall
health.
Therefore
, vigilant monitoring and guidance can
easily
overcome the problem of violence.

In conclusion
, it is common to edit thrilling and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
action to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
dull stories exciting by broadcasters. Owing to this, aggression and boldness
are driven
in young minds, which can
be alleviated
by parents' proactive approaches and encourage juveniles to participate in physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay Many parents complaint about violence promoted to their children through video games, TV programs and other media. Why it is happening? What can be the solution for it? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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