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A person's childhood years (the time from birth to twelve years of age) are the most important years of a person's life. v.1

A person's childhood years (the time from birth to twelve years of age) are the most important years of a person's life. v. 1
It is true that when people advance in their golden years, they require more help and attention. For that reason, a significant number of people hold the opinion that the government should provide financial assistance to the elderly. However, I tend to agree with those who argue that workers should be saving a portion of their income to have a nest egg in their retirement. To begin with, a culture of saving rather than depending on the government may foster the overall economic development of a country. In other words, if people were to accumulate their own savings for their pension age, it would lessen the financial burden on the government. As a result, the government would be able to release more funds to productive purposes, such as development of infrastructure, industries, hospitals, and so on, which may expedite the overall progression of a country. In addition to economic factors, putting money aside has some personal benefits. Since savings-oriented people are not dependent on the state for their living expenses, this may instill a sense of self-respect and pride in them. On the other hand, those who are reliant on financial assistance very often face the negative societal stigma, as many people consider them to be inferior and unworthy members of society. Hence, to live a life with dignity and pride, taking responsibility for funding one’s own retirement is evidently a better option from an individual perspective. In contrast, the provision of monetary outlays for retirees has proven unfeasible in many countries. Since in many nations the number of senior citizens is on the rise, in the long run governments are likely to struggle to sustain the cost of providing for the elderly. The early signs of this have been seen in many countries that were forced to raise the retirement age. Therefore, in the foreseeable future, these kinds of support may become completely unsustainable. In conclusion, the provision of state monetary support may undoubtedly lessen the concern of retirees to some extent. However, considering the issue of sustainability of this provision, it is better to opt for individual savings from the very beginning of working life, for the benefit of both individual and national development.
It is true that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
advance in their golden years, they require more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
and attention. For that reason, a significant number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hold the opinion that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should provide financial assistance to the elderly.
However
, I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those who argue that workers should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
saving
a portion of their income to have a nest egg in their retirement.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, a culture of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
saving
rather
than depending on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
may foster the
overall
economic development of a country.
In other words
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were to accumulate their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
savings
for their pension age, it would lessen the financial burden on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
would be able to release more funds to productive purposes, such as development of infrastructure, industries, hospitals, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, which may expedite the
overall
progression of a country.

In addition
to economic factors, putting money aside has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
personal benefits. Since savings-oriented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not dependent on the state for their living expenses, this may instill a sense of self-respect and pride in them.
On the other hand
, those who are reliant on financial assistance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
face the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
societal stigma, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider them to be inferior and unworthy members of society.
Hence
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a life with dignity and pride, taking responsibility for funding one’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
retirement is
evidently
a better option from an individual perspective.

In contrast
, the provision of monetary outlays for retirees has proven unfeasible in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries. Since in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations the number of senior citizens is on the rise, in the long run
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
are likely to struggle to sustain the cost of providing for the elderly. The early signs of this have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries that
were forced
to raise the retirement age.
Therefore
, in the foreseeable future, these kinds of support may become completely unsustainable.

In conclusion
, the provision of state monetary support may
undoubtedly
lessen the concern of retirees to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.
However
, considering the issue of sustainability of this provision, it is better to opt for individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
savings
from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beginning of working life, for the benefit of both individual and national development.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay A person's childhood years (the time from birth to twelve years of age) are the most important years of a person's life. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
366 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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