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A high school is planning an extracurricular activity for students. What kind of activity would you recommend? v.1

A high school is planning an extracurricular activity for students. What kind of activity would you recommend? v. 1
It is often seen that universities provide the best education to their students and prepare them as the ideal citizens of the nation. They also focus on physical health by offering them various sports facilities. Some people argue that sports are equally important and must have the same allocation of funds as university libraries. However, others state that main aptitude of educational institutions is to provide lofty education and must invest handsome amount for the betterment of libraries. I agree to some extent that role of the library is far more important than sports activities. It is very important to have a good physical education for students. It will not only improve their health, but also helped them in developing skills such as teamwork, handling pressure under tensed situations etc. Therefore, it is required by the universities to spend on this constituent. Furthermore, nowadays there is too much study pressure on students. In order to relax and re-energise, such activities should be provided at a regular interval. The library is an essential part of every educational institution. Large numbers of students rely on libraries to complete their assignments, research works and final projects. It shows that the existence of a university is incomplete without having one or more libraries in it. Thus, a huge amount should be invested in libraries to improve its books catalogue. Latest books, journals and other reference materials should be incorporated in libraries to facilitate its users. To sum up, I would like to say that spending time in libraries is more youthful and has lofty values than playing. Universities must upgrade their libraries in accordance with technological advancement without considering the cost so that numerous benefits could be taken out.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
provide the best education to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and prepare them as the ideal citizens of the nation. They
also
focus on physical health by offering them various sports facilities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that sports are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have the same allocation of funds as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
libraries.
However
, others state that main aptitude of educational institutions is to provide lofty education and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
invest handsome amount for the betterment of libraries. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent that role of the library is far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than sports activities.

It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
physical education for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. It will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
them in developing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as teamwork, handling pressure under tensed situations etc.
Therefore
, it
is required
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
to spend on this constituent.
Furthermore
, nowadays there is too much study pressure on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. In order to relax and
Possible spelling mistake. 're-energise' is British English.
re-energise
, such activities should
be provided
at a regular interval.

The library is an essential part of every educational institution. Large numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
rely on libraries to complete their assignments, research works and final projects. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that the existence of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
is incomplete without having one or more libraries in it.
Thus
, a huge amount should
be invested
in libraries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
its books
Possible spelling mistake. 'catalogue' is British English.
catalogue
.
A determiner is probably missing here: "the Latest".
Latest
books, journals and other reference materials should
be incorporated
in libraries to facilitate its users.

To sum up, I would like to say that spending time in libraries is more youthful and has lofty values than playing.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Universities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
upgrade their libraries in accordance with technological advancement without considering the cost
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that numerous benefits could
be taken
out.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay A high school is planning an extracurricular activity for students. What kind of activity would you recommend? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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