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Some people believe that students should take part in extracurricular clubs at school for total personality development, while others believe that it has detrimental effects on academic performance. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people believe that students should take part in extracurricular clubs at school for total personality development, while others believe that it has detrimental effects on academic performance. v. 2
After-school organisations are created to enhance student’s skills and enrolment in these enables them to prepare for the upcoming future. Some people, nevertheless, are of the opinion that getting involved in extracurricular clubs brings out adverse impacts on student’s learning outcomes. From my point of view, moderate attendance at these co-curricular associations gives them total personality accomplishment. On the one hand, students participating in after-school clubs tend to acquire remarkable improvement in soft skills. Since they have to balance the activities and academic work, they will gradually make progress on time-managing skill. Partaking in extracurricular also create valuable chances for graduates to meet, to interact and make friends, then promote social relationships. In addition, when involved in an organisation, their responsibility might be enhanced considerably as they have to make sure the work gets done so they have to set aside the time to do it. Apparently, attaining success when joining a club will, in turn, boost their confidence and the euphoria may stimulate them to dedicate more and more. Therefore, extracurricular helps to develop a well-rounded student in all respects, especially their characteristic. On the other hand, this participation can be a burden to students as well, such as inability of finishing all assignments and concentrating on their studies performance since they chronically overschedule themselves. Some students in inadequate health state may witness their physical and mental wellness being undesirably affected by the huge workload. Their academic results will also be unfavourably influenced as they are psychologically stressed or even diagnosed with other serious mental illnesses. Finally, in my opinion, whether learners should enroll in co-curricular associations or not, depends on moderation. For instance, if too much time goes on after-school activities, one will face detrimental effects mentioned above; but if too much time goes on academic study, one will lack of practical experience and soft skills that are the keys to a novel world. In conclusion, getting involved in extracurricular organisations will bring out a variety of merits if students are capable of balancing their time on each proportion. Hence, students can gain experience, skills and broaden their minds when joining in co-curricular activities in moderation.
After-school
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
are created
to enhance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'enrolment' is British English.
enrolment
in
The verb 'enables' is singular. Did you mean: "This enables" or "these enable"?
these enables
them to prepare for the upcoming future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
nevertheless
, are of the opinion that getting involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extracurricular
clubs brings out adverse impacts on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
learning outcomes. From my point of view, moderate attendance at these co-curricular associations gives them total personality accomplishment.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
participating in after-school clubs tend to acquire remarkable improvement in soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. Since they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
balance the activities and academic work, they will
gradually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
progress on time-managing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
. Partaking in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extracurricular
also
create valuable chances for graduates to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
, to interact and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends, then promote social relationships.
In addition
, when involved in an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
, their responsibility might
be enhanced
considerably
as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure the work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
done
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
set aside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do it.
Apparently
, attaining success when joining a club will, in turn, boost their confidence and the euphoria may stimulate them to dedicate more and more.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extracurricular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to develop a well-rounded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
in all respects,
especially
their characteristic.

On the other hand
, this participation can be a burden to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
as well
, such as inability of finishing all assignments and concentrating on their studies performance since they
chronically
Possible spelling mistake found.
overschedule
themselves.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in inadequate health state may witness their physical and mental wellness being
undesirably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the huge workload. Their academic results will
also
be
Possible spelling mistake found.
unfavourably
influenced as they are
psychologically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
or even diagnosed with other serious mental illnesses.

Finally
, in my opinion, whether learners should enroll in co-curricular associations or not, depends on moderation.
For instance
, if too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
goes on after-school activities, one will face detrimental effects mentioned above;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
goes on academic study, one will lack of practical experience and soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
that are the keys to a novel world.

In conclusion
, getting involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extracurricular
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
will bring out a variety of merits if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are capable of balancing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on each proportion.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can gain experience,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and broaden their minds when joining in co-curricular activities in moderation.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that students should take part in extracurricular clubs at school for total personality development, while others believe that it has detrimental effects on academic performance. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
358 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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