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Someone believes school should put students of different ages into the same class What is your opinion v.1

Someone believes school should put students of different ages into the same class What is your opinion v. 1
It is a bitter truth that a lot of people, especially in western countries are suffering from excruciating health problems like high blood pressure and cholesterol due to obesity. There are myriad reasons behind this deplorable trend. In the I am discussing the most important reasons and propose some suggestions to overcome this trend. To commence with, one of the main causes of overweight among the people is poor eating habits. Firstly, this is due to the availability of junk and unhealthy food from fast-food restaurants which are in every corner of the street. Secondly, most of the individuals in the present-day society hold white collar jobs. Due to the insufficient time and stressful lives, people are replacing daily diet meals with instant processed food. To exemplify, the packaged foods are purchased and kept in the fridge for days. This is not fresh and nutritious, and hence this affects their health, leading to the build up of fat and health problems. On the other hand, there are solutions to overcome the problems arising due to obesity. One possible solution would be to consume healthy and nutritious home cooked food rich in vitamins and nutrients essential for the normal functioning of the body. This could also help us survive longer. For example, according to some research the Japanese are expected to live longer than other race due to their healthy eating habits. Another solution that would contribute to fat loss and fitness is weight and strength training. Also, this contributes to a healthy society. To conclude, there are several fitness problems that are associated with obesity, but the solutions are available too. Incorporating healthy eating habits along with consistent training seem to be an effective solution to control and reduce this problem from deteriorating further.
It is a bitter truth that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
in western countries are suffering from excruciating health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
like high blood pressure and cholesterol
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to obesity. There are myriad reasons behind this deplorable trend. In
Possible typo. Did you mean "the" or "I"?
the I
am discussing the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons and propose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
suggestions to overcome this trend.

To commence with, one of the main causes of overweight among the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
poor eating habits.
Firstly
, this is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the availability of junk and unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food restaurants which are in every corner of the street.
Secondly
, most of the individuals in the present-day society hold white collar jobs.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Due
to the insufficient time and stressful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are replacing daily diet meals with instant processed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. To exemplify, the packaged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
in the fridge for days. This is not fresh and nutritious, and
hence
this affects their health, leading to the build up of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and health problems.

On the other hand
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
to overcome the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
arising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to obesity. One possible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
would be to consume
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
and nutritious home cooked
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
rich in vitamins and nutrients essential for the normal functioning of the body. This could
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us survive longer.
For example
, according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
research the Japanese are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer than other race
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
eating habits. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
that would contribute to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
loss and fitness is weight and strength training.
Also
, this contributes to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
society.

To conclude
, there are several fitness
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
that
are associated
with obesity,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
are available too. Incorporating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
eating habits along with consistent training seem to be an effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
to control and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
from deteriorating
further
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Someone believes school should put students of different ages into the same class What is your opinion v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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