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If a high school is planning to organize an after-school activity for its students, what kind of activity would you recommend and why? v.1

If a high school is planning to organize an after-school activity for its students, what kind of activity would you recommend and why? v. 1
Some parents may worry that pushing their children towards a particular career could be harmful. While I agree it is unwise to predetermine a child’s profession, parents should still offer guidance through open communication. Young people need the freedom to make choices, especially when it comes to their careers. Even parents who agree with this idea may still feel some anxiety about it. Ultimately, most parents hope their children will be financially secure. Deep down some parents may also want their children to choose prestigious careers, or jobs that will impact society in some way. These wishes are normal and not necessarily harmful. Yet, it can be problematic if these desires turn into firm expectations. In such cases, the main motivation for a child becomes fear of disappointing her parents. It can lead to resentment if she spends her life doing something she doesn’t enjoy. With the freedom to explore, by contrast, she can take ownership of her career decisions and develop the internal motivation to reach her goals. Yet, offering a child freedom does not imply that parents should be absent. To the contrary, parents should strive to foster open communication about career decisions. If a child’s aspirations do not line up with his parents’ wishes, he may fear that approaching them could lead to judgement and confrontation. However, if he feels that his parents will listen carefully and maintain an open attitude, he may let down his guard and welcome their feedback. When this happens, parents can provide guidance and, importantly, even critiques of their child’s plans. In this way, open communication creates opportunities for young people to benefit from their parents’ wisdom and experience. In conclusion, even though parents should avoid pressuring their children to follow specific career paths, they should not abandon the discussion. Parents should strive to create an environment where they can offer caring guidance through open communication.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
may worry that pushing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
towards a particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
could be harmful. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
it is unwise to predetermine a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
profession,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
still
offer guidance through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
open
communication.

Young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
need the freedom to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
choices,
especially
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
. Even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
may
still
feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
anxiety about it.
Ultimately
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
hope their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will be
financially
secure. Deep down
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
may
also
want their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to choose prestigious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
, or jobs that will impact society in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
way. These wishes are normal and not
necessarily
harmful.
Yet
, it can be problematic if these desires turn into firm expectations. In such cases, the main motivation for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
becomes fear of disappointing her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. It can lead to resentment if she spends her life doing something she doesn’t enjoy. With the freedom to explore, by contrast, she can take ownership of her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
decisions and develop the internal motivation to reach her goals.

Yet
, offering a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
freedom does not imply that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be absent. To the contrary,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should strive to foster
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
open
communication about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
decisions. If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
aspirations do not line up with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
wishes, he may fear that approaching them could lead to judgement and confrontation.
However
, if he feels that his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will listen
carefully
and maintain an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
open
attitude, he may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
down his guard and welcome their feedback. When this happens,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can provide guidance and,
importantly
, even critiques of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
plans. In this way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
open
communication creates opportunities for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to benefit from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
wisdom and experience.

In conclusion
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should avoid pressuring their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to follow specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
paths, they should not abandon the discussion.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should strive to create an environment where they can offer caring guidance through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
open
communication.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay If a high school is planning to organize an after-school activity for its students, what kind of activity would you recommend and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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