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Some people believe that students should take part in extracurricular clubs at school for total personality development, while others believe that it has detrimental effects on academic performance. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that students should take part in extracurricular clubs at school for total personality development, while others believe that it has detrimental effects on academic performance. v. 1
The best approach in resolving the increasing problem of gridlock and pollution is by raising the cost of fossil fuel. I totally agree with this view because the increase would decrease the number of automobiles on the roads. Nevertheless, constructing more roads is another excellent means to curb this menace. The reason why increasing the cost of petrol would resolve the problem of gridlock and impurities is that there would be less cars on the roads. Families with more than one car would have to think again before purchasing fossil fuels and as a result, they would either drive one car or make use of public transportation, thereby reducing congestion and contaminants caused by the release of carbon monoxide from the cars. For example, in 2011, the President of Nigeria, Goodluck Jonathan, abolished the payment of petroleum subsidy. This act increased the price of fossil fuel from eighty seven Naira to one hundred and forty five Naira. Consequently, reducing the number of automobiles on the highway. Nevertheless, I consider the construction of more roads and bridges an excellent step in curbing the menace of growing traffic and contamination. In other words, better road network would ensure free flow of automobiles and also there would be alternative routes for commuters. This would, in turn, ease congestion on major roads and subsequently, reduce impurity caused by fumes from cars. Lagos State, for example, started the construction of roads in 2015, and this had helped to greatly reduce congestion and pollutants in the air. In conclusion, I completely agree that the increase in petrol price will decrease the number of cars on the roads and the construction of more roads and bridges is a useful step to curb the menace of traffic and pollution.
The best approach in resolving the increasing problem of gridlock and pollution is by raising the cost of fossil fuel. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the increase would decrease the number of automobiles on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roads
.
Nevertheless
, constructing more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roads
is another excellent means to curb this menace.

The reason why increasing the cost of petrol would resolve the problem of gridlock and impurities is that there would be
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun cars is countable.
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roads
. Families with more than one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
again
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
purchasing fossil fuels and
as a result
, they would either drive one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of public transportation, thereby reducing congestion and contaminants caused by the release of carbon monoxide from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
.
For example
, in 2011, the President of Nigeria,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Goodluck
Jonathan, abolished the payment of petroleum subsidy. This act increased the price of fossil fuel from
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
eighty seven
Possible agreement error. The noun 'Naira' seems to be countable, so consider using: "nairas".
Naira
to one hundred and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
forty five
Possible agreement error. The noun 'Naira' seems to be countable, so consider using: "nairas".
Naira
.
Consequently
, reducing the number of automobiles on the highway.

Nevertheless
, I consider the construction of more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roads
and bridges an excellent step in curbing the menace of growing traffic and contamination.
In other words
, better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
road
network would ensure free flow of automobiles and
also
there would be alternative routes for commuters. This would, in turn,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
congestion on major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roads
and
subsequently
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
impurity caused by fumes from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
. Lagos State,
for example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
the construction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roads
in 2015, and this had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
to
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
congestion and pollutants in the air.

In conclusion
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the increase in petrol price will decrease the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roads
and the construction of more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roads
and bridges is a useful step to curb the menace of traffic and pollution.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that students should take part in extracurricular clubs at school for total personality development, while others believe that it has detrimental effects on academic performance. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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