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A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. What extent do you agree. v.6

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. What extent do you agree. v. 6
Nowadays people are encountered offensive crime in their daily lives. Many people believe that the government should allocate budget for forces than the social facilities. This essay will discuss why the authority should spend on defence and explain the need of developing social welfare. Estimating a budget for the safety of all citizens is the premier responsibility of any country's government. First and foremost, in some specific cases, maintaining security is an initial obligation because it lays a solid foundation for the stability of a country. Moreover, archipelagoes are usually invaded so military in those places should be invested to avoid any possible war. For example, the United States, which is perceived to be the most powerful country, has the world's largest military budget, they funded for the military over $610 billion on hardware and personnel in 2017. It is obvious that when war happens, most everybody could become the main target of being massacred, or even, killed. As a result, a great number of individuals deem that a huge proportional fund should be allocated to the security system to secure themselves from external factors. However, it is still believed that state expenditure should also be spent on key sectors. First of all, the authorities need to invest money in social welfare, such as healthcare, education, or recreational, to provide benefits to citizens. Lack of social benefits could seriously do severe damages to its residents. Take North Korea as an example, due to the lack of administrative attention, a huge number of impoverished children and miserable beggars are living from hand to mouth. Moreover, people pay taxes to bring the parliament into existence and maintain its operation. Therefore, they deserve to get all services which generated from that. This amount of money should be used for providing social welfare, which bring about social benefit. In conclusion, this essay discussed why public safety is the first liability for the administration of any state, although, the needs of the development of conveniences are cannot be ignored. To infer, I'm convinced that the scarcity of both the requirements can't be affordable for countries people to reside.
Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are encountered
offensive crime in their daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should allocate budget for forces than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
facilities. This essay will discuss why the authority should spend on
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the need of developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
welfare.

Estimating a budget for the safety of all citizens is the premier responsibility of any country's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
First
and foremost, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specific cases, maintaining security is an initial obligation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it lays a solid foundation for the stability of a country.
Moreover
,
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "archipelagos", the plural form of the noun 'archipelago'?
archipelagoes
are
usually
invaded
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
military in those places should
be invested
to avoid any possible war.
For example
, the United States, which
is perceived
to be the most powerful country, has the world's largest military budget, they funded for the military over $610 billion on hardware and personnel in 2017. It is obvious that when war happens,
The phrase 'most everybody' is colloquial. In formal/ written English you should avoid it. Use "almost everybody" instead!
most everybody
could become the main target of
being massacred
, or even, killed.
As a result
, a great number of individuals deem that a huge proportional fund should
be allocated
to the security system to secure themselves from external factors.

However
, it is
still
believed that state expenditure should
also
be spent
on key sectors.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the authorities need to invest money in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
welfare, such as healthcare, education, or recreational, to provide benefits to citizens. Lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
benefits could
seriously
do severe damages to its residents. Take North Korea as an example, due to the lack of administrative attention, a huge number of impoverished children and miserable beggars are living from hand to mouth.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
pay taxes to bring the parliament into existence and maintain its operation.
Therefore
, they deserve to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
all services which generated from that. This amount of money should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
welfare, which bring about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
benefit.

In conclusion
, this essay discussed why public safety is the
first
liability for the administration of any state, although, the needs of the development of conveniences are cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
. To infer, I'm convinced that the scarcity of both the requirements can't be affordable for countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to reside.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. What extent do you agree. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
353 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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