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A gift (such as a camera, a soccer ball, or an animal) can contribute to a child’s development. What gift would you give to help a child develop? Why? v.4

A gift (such as a camera, a soccer ball, or an animal) can contribute to a child’s development. What gift would you give to help a child develop? Why? v. 4
People learn and develop throughout their entire lives. I think that in our modern world it is quite essential to be familiar with computer technology. So, if I had a chance to give a child a gift it would be a computer. I think that computers play an essential role in our lives and they bring many benefits to our society. Moreover, children can learn by use of computers. In the following paragraphs, I will give my reasons to support my answer. First of all, by use of computers children can play many games, which help to improve children's ability to think logically, think about their next step, etc. Moreover, playing games develop many important qualities such as attention, patience, persistent, etc. Second of all, computers help children to learn more about anything by use of Internet. They can find new friends even from another country. Children will improve their communication skills, gain more knowledge and experience. Also, children have a great opportunity to learn more about other countries, their history, traditions and customs. Finally, computer skills can help a child to find his or her first job. A child can find an advertisement on the Internet about a job offer or he or she can make a resume and place it on the Internet. Personally, I think it is a great experience and a big step forward towards a future career. In addition to those practical benefits, computer technology helps children to do their homework faster. They can type their data into the computer, easily check the grammar, correct mistakes and then print it out. Moreover, there are plenty different kinds of educational programs that can help children learn how to read, write, draw and even how to behave and speak a foreign language. To conclude, I believe that children should learn how to use a computer because this knowledge will help them in the future to be more self-confident and enterprising. Furthermore, computers can greatly improve and simplify their lives if children know how to use them.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
and develop throughout their entire
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that in our modern world it is quite essential to be familiar with computer technology.
“So , if” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So, if
I had a chance to give a child a gift it would be a computer. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that computers play an essential role in our
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lives and
they bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits to our society.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computers. In the following paragraphs, I will give my reasons to support my answer.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
games, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
children's ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
logically
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
about their
next
step, etc.
Moreover
, playing games develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
qualities such as attention, patience, persistent, etc. Second of all, computers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
more about anything by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of Internet. They can find new friends even from another country.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, gain more knowledge and experience.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a great opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
more about other countries, their history, traditions and customs.
Finally
, computer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
a child to find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
first
job. A child can find an advertisement on the Internet about a job
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
offer or
he or she can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a resume and place it on the Internet.
Personally
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
it is a great experience and a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
step forward towards a future career.

In addition
to those practical benefits, computer technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do their homework faster. They can type their data into the computer,
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
the grammar, correct mistakes and then print it out.
Moreover
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of educational programs that can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to read, write, draw and even how to behave and speak a foreign language.

To conclude
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
a computer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this knowledge will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them in the future to be more self-confident and enterprising.
Furthermore
, computers can
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
and simplify their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay A gift (such as a camera, a soccer ball, or an animal) can contribute to a child’s development. What gift would you give to help a child develop? Why? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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