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A gift such as (a camera, a soccer ball, or animal) can contribute to a child's development. What gift would you give to help a child develop? why? v.1

A gift such as (a camera, a soccer ball, or animal) can contribute to a child's development. What gift would you give to help a child develop? why? v. 1
Many people argue that adolescents must participate in volunteer work in their spare time because of advantages for themselves as well as for the community. From my point of view, uncharged work has its own value, nonetheless, this essay will take issue with the view mentioned since it is improper to force all students to do this kind of work. On the one hand, I understand that unpaid work has great impact on both the teenagers and society. In terms of individual, such activities help the youngsters to create a sense of responsibility because they could find out that their dedication to the job is more important than the money that receive. With respect to society, voluntary campaigns could offer support to the people who are running into troubles, in addition to raising people’s awareness about sympathy. Accordingly, voluntary work is increasingly introduced to the public, especially to schools where children are taught to be thoughtful and caring. On the other hand, despite the benefits unpaid work brings, it is implausible to make it mandatory in schools. Firstly, I believe that such work should be encouraged instead of being forced since if it is compulsory in schools, some children will do it reluctantly but not seize the moral implication of this. Besides, not all the teenagers have the same living standard, while some obtain adequate financial support, others must subsist for themselves. For the underprivileged, it will be more practical to get a part-time job to mitigate the burdens for their family rather than joining uncharged activities. Overseas students, for example, more often than not, complain that they find it stressful when require to take part in voluntary activities for the local community while they could not balance their own lives. In conclusion, teenagers ought to join unpaid activities, however, I disagree that schools should include such kind of work as a compulsory part.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that adolescents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
participate in volunteer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in their spare time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of advantages for themselves
as well
as for the community. From my point of view, uncharged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
value, nonetheless, this essay will take issue with the view mentioned since it is improper to force all students to do this kind of work.

On the one hand, I understand that unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
has great impact on both the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and society. In terms of individual, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the youngsters to create a sense of responsibility
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they could find out that their dedication to the job is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than the money that receive. With respect to society, voluntary campaigns could offer support to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are running into troubles,
in addition
to raising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s awareness about sympathy.
Accordingly
, voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is
increasingly
introduced to the public,
especially
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
where children
are taught
to be thoughtful and caring.

On the other hand
, despite the benefits unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
brings, it is implausible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it mandatory in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
Firstly
, I believe that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
should
be encouraged
instead
of
being forced
since if it is compulsory in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
children will do it
reluctantly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not seize the moral implication of this.
Besides
, not all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
have the same living standard, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
obtain adequate financial support, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
subsist for themselves. For the underprivileged, it will be more practical to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a part-time job to mitigate the burdens for their family
rather
than joining uncharged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. Overseas students,
for example
, more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
than not, complain that they find it stressful when require to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
for the local community while they could not balance their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
ought to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
,
however
, I disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should include such kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as a compulsory part.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay A gift such as (a camera, a soccer ball, or animal) can contribute to a child's development. What gift would you give to help a child develop? why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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