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A/D? It is better to take risks and explore new things when you are older than when you are young. v.2

A/D? It is better to take risks and explore new things when you are older than when you are young. v. 2
It is a risk itself not to take any risks. In such a sophisticated world that everything is changing very quickly, the only thing that leads to success is taking risks. This brings up a controversial question: When should people explore new things in their environment? In my vantage point, people should explore new things when they are younger in order to expand their knowledge, help other people and be lively. What follows is the elaboration of my viewpoint. An important reason that immediately comes to mind is that taking risks and gaining experience in adolescence is better than older ages. In fact, young people need to improve their skills to remain competitive in their jobs and succeed. New skills are obtained through experience. For instance, a businessman constantly achieves new information about the business world by facing with several financial and economic issues. He finds solutions for the problems and retains them in his mind to decide properly in the future. Hence, that is better to expand the range of knowledge in younger ages before failing drastically. It should also be noted that people are looking forward to consult with the elderly. Besides the importance of improved skills during youthfulness in someone’s own life, it can be beneficial for the other people as well. For example, when my psychologist friend was working on a depressed patient a few years ago, she had difficulties to solve the patient’s problem because she only knew the rules that she had studied in the textbooks. When she consulted with her supervisor, she solved the patient’s problem and learned that she should always be up to date because the conditions are always changing. Now she is experienced to the extent that her new coworkers consult with her. The last but not least reason is that young people need to have diversity in their lives. Taking risks omits boring aspects of life and teaches young people how to be adventurous. That is to say, adventurous people are lively and active. To clarify, take the example of a young biologist who explores the wildlife and nature. He always encounters new events in his life and enjoys taking trips. When he gets older, he has a lot of fond memories that thinking and talking about them are interesting and attractive that even the oldest people never get bored of hearing them. By and large, taking risk plays a decisive role in every individual’s life. Considering how much the experiences are useful for the person himself and the other people and how delightful and lively the person becomes by adventuring, exploring new things will be much better at young ages.
It is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
itself not to take any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
. In such a sophisticated world that everything is changing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
quickly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
thing that leads to success is taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
. This brings up a controversial question: When should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
explore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things in their environment? In my vantage point,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should explore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things when they are younger in order to expand their knowledge,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and be lively. What follows is the elaboration of my viewpoint.

An
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason that immediately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to mind is that taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
and gaining experience in adolescence is better than older ages. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to remain competitive in their jobs and succeed.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
New
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are obtained
through experience.
For instance
, a businessman
constantly
achieves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
information about the business world by facing with several financial and economic issues. He finds solutions for the problems and retains them in his mind to decide
properly
in the future.
Hence
,
that is
better to expand the range of knowledge in younger ages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
failing
drastically
.

It should
also
be noted
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are looking forward
In the grammatical structure 'look + forward + to + verb', the verb 'to' is used with the gerund: "to consulting".
to consult
with the elderly.
Besides
the importance of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
during youthfulness in someone’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, it can be beneficial for the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as well
.
For example
, when my psychologist friend was working on a depressed patient a few years ago, she had difficulties to solve the patient’s problem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
knew the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
that she had studied in the textbooks. When she consulted with her supervisor, she solved the patient’s problem and learned that she should always be up to date
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the conditions are always changing.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
she
is experienced
to the extent that her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
coworkers consult with her.

The last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not
A determiner is probably missing here: "the least".
least
reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to have diversity in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risks
omits boring aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
how to be adventurous.
That is
to say, adventurous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are lively and active. To clarify, take the example of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
biologist who explores the wildlife and nature. He always encounters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and enjoys taking trips. When he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
older, he has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
fond memories that thinking and talking about them are interesting and attractive that even the oldest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
In standard English it's more accepted to use "bored with" or "bored by".
bored of
hearing them.

By and large, taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
plays a decisive role in every individual’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Considering how much the experiences are useful for the person himself and the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and how delightful and lively the person becomes by adventuring, exploring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things will be much better at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
ages.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay A/D? It is better to take risks and explore new things when you are older than when you are young. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
442 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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