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A country becomes more interesting and develops more quickly when its population includes a mixture of nationalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.7

A country becomes more interesting and develops more quickly when its population includes a mixture of nationalities. v. 7
Global migration of people began with the soaring industrialization and due to the major global wars. As a result, many developed nations experience the amalgamation of different cultures and traditions. It is often argued that this diversification of nationalities and cultures make the country more attractive and help the nation progress faster. I totally agree with this viewpoint. First of all, in a country with cross-cultural integrity, public areas, facilities and tourists spots are designed considering all inhabitants including expatriates. Shopping malls, entertainment centres, beaches etc. public places become more appealing and usable. The cities become global towns and bear the mark of truly diverse traditions and cultures. For example, in several countries many nationalities reside together and taking this in mind, a global village is designed for them. Such global village attracts thousands of tourists around the globe and it claims to be the world's tourism, leisure, shopping and entertainment destinations. In addition to this, cosmopolitan societies are better for the overall progress of a country. That is perhaps why nations such as the USA, Australia and Canada, which are primarily multi-cultural societies, enjoy greater prosperity, stability and harmony. The transaction between immigrants and residents would quicken the currency circulations and increase the demand for consumptions - two essential elements of economic development. Thus a country with different ethnic groups and a diverse culture enjoy quicker progress and cultural richness. In conclusion, counties with different cultural backgrounds and nationalities are much more intriguing. It is undeniable that cultural diversity in a country should be considered a welcoming trend for the attractiveness and the fast pace growth of a nation.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Global
migration of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
began with the soaring industrialization and due to the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
wars.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
experience the amalgamation of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and traditions. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that this diversification of nationalities and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
more attractive and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
progress faster. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this viewpoint.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
with cross-cultural integrity, public areas, facilities and tourists spots
are designed
considering all inhabitants including expatriates. Shopping malls, entertainment
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
, beaches etc. public places become more appealing and usable. The cities become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
towns and bear the mark of
truly
diverse traditions and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
.
For example
, in several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nationalities reside together and taking this in mind, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
village
is designed
for them. Such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
global
village attracts thousands of tourists around the globe and it claims to be the world's tourism, leisure, shopping and entertainment destinations.

In addition
to this, cosmopolitan societies are better for the
overall
progress of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
That is
perhaps why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
such as the USA, Australia and Canada, which are
primarily
multi-cultural societies, enjoy greater prosperity, stability and harmony. The transaction between immigrants and residents would quicken the currency circulations and increase the demand for
Possible spelling mistake found.
consumptions
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
two essential elements of economic development.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ethnic groups and a diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
enjoy quicker progress and cultural richness.

In conclusion
, counties with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultural backgrounds and nationalities are much more intriguing. It is undeniable that cultural diversity in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
should
be considered
a welcoming trend for the attractiveness and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
pace growth of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay A country becomes more interesting and develops more quickly when its population includes a mixture of nationalities. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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