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Many offenders commit more crimes after serving their first punishment. Why is this happening and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem? v.2

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving their first punishment. Why is this happening and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem? v. 2
It is believed that people tend to break laws again after they are released from the prison. In my opinion, there are many reasons leading to this phenomenon, but the government should take the main responsibility. However, due to this problem, ministry and society should both take action immediately to stop such situations happening. First of all, people who had gone to jail can hardly enjoy the equal rights in society as the normal people do. For example, it is usually unacceptable for many businesses and companies to offer someone who has committed crimes a position, even if those people have some special talents. Secondly, the government hasn’t established specific laws to give protection to them, which is another cause for the unequal rights. Therefore, they won’t be able to support themselves without a job, let alone their families. What’s worse, difficult lives pushed them to go to extremes for the sake of earning money. In terms of the measures, the authority should set stricter rules on the protection of the rights of those inferior people. For example, companies or businesses should shoulder the responsibilities when they are accused of abusing their rights. In that way, it is easier for them to earn the bread and live a normal life. Another measure is of vital importance. It requires the prisons to set up educational systems which will not only helps those prisoners to make the most of their time in jail, but also equips them with the knowledge and capabilities that are necessary for working in an enterprise. In conclusion, the reasons for breaking laws a second time by offenders are mainly due to the inferiority received from the society and the imperfect regulations existed for the time being. Thus, the government should implement a law against this issue over the ill-treatment of such groups. Meanwhile, prisons should improve on the education by providing those prisoners with useful techniques.
It
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to break
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laws
again after they
are released
from the prison. In my opinion, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons leading to this phenomenon,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should take the main responsibility.
However
, due to this problem, ministry and society should both take action immediately to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
such situations happening.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who had gone to jail can hardly enjoy the equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
in society as the normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do.
For example
, it is
usually
unacceptable for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
businesses and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to offer someone who has committed crimes a position, even if those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
special talents.
Secondly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
hasn’t established specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laws
to give protection to them, which is another cause for the unequal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
.
Therefore
, they won’t be able to support themselves without a job,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
alone their families. What’s worse, difficult
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
pushed them to go to extremes for the sake of earning money.

In terms of the measures, the authority should set stricter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
on the protection of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
of those inferior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
or businesses should shoulder the responsibilities when they
are accused
of abusing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
. In that way, it is easier for them to earn the bread and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a normal life. Another measure is of vital importance. It requires the prisons to set up educational systems which will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
those prisoners to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the most of their time in jail,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
equips them with the knowledge and capabilities that are necessary for working in an enterprise.

In conclusion
, the reasons for breaking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laws
a second time by offenders are
mainly
due to the inferiority received from the society and the imperfect regulations existed for the time being.
Thus
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should implement a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
against this issue over the ill-treatment of such groups. Meanwhile, prisons should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
on the education by providing those prisoners with useful techniques.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many offenders commit more crimes after serving their first punishment. Why is this happening and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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