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A country become more interesting and develops more quickly when it is population includes a mixture of nationalities. v.1

A country become more interesting and develops more quickly when it is population includes a mixture of nationalities. v. 1
The concept of globalisation and the proliferation of new technology have opened a plethora of options for the children where they spend their leisure time. Therefore, taking the advantage of these resources, children indulge themselves in online sites where they sometime exposed to aggressive games/unreliable content and illegal information. Hence, exposure to harmful material can have serious repercussions. This essay will not only discuss the harmful effects, but also suggest some ideas to ameliorate this situation. First of all, violent games and negative content can have manifold detrimental effects on the children. To illustrate, children exposed to horror movies on TV are often scared and develop a phobia as a consequence. To add further, kids who play aggressive games of often develop mental instability. For Instance, in a recent survey of BOSCO school, it is observed that almost 90-92 % children are addicted to fighting games like PUB-G, where the concept is to kill the persons in the virtual world. As, a result of such games, their behaviour becomes aggressive. To mitigate these problems, parental intervention is imperative. They should make modifications to the privacy setting of the internet, so, that their offspring are exposed to the programmes which is good for improving their educational and overall personality skills. Furthermore, they should reduce the gaming hours. Then, the onus is on the government and broadcasting agencies to make sure that the material is appropriate and should not promote offensive and violent material. To conclude, Violent games and illegal information can have a detrimental effect on the child psychology and both parents as well as government should take preventive measure like restricting the content to be viewed by the children and limiting the gaming hours can help them to grow in their lives
The concept of
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
and the proliferation of new technology have opened a plethora of options for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
where they spend their leisure time.
Therefore
, taking the advantage of these resources,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
indulge themselves in online sites where they sometime exposed to aggressive games/unreliable content and illegal information.
Hence
, exposure to harmful material can have serious repercussions. This essay will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
discuss the harmful effects,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
suggest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to ameliorate this situation.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
content can have manifold detrimental effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. To illustrate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
exposed to horror movies on TV are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
scared and develop a phobia as a consequence. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
further
, kids who play aggressive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
develop mental instability.
For Instance
, in a recent survey of BOSCO school, it
is observed
that almost 90-92 %
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are addicted
to fighting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
like PUB-G, where the concept is to kill the persons in the virtual world. As, a result of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
becomes aggressive.

To mitigate these problems, parental intervention is imperative. They should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
modifications to the privacy setting of the internet,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, that their offspring
are exposed
to the
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for improving their educational and
overall
personality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Furthermore
, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the gaming hours. Then, the onus is on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and broadcasting agencies to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that the material is appropriate and should not promote offensive and violent material.

To conclude
, Violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and illegal information can have a detrimental effect on the child psychology and both parents
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should take preventive measure like restricting the content to
be viewed
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and limiting the gaming hours can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to grow in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay A country become more interesting and develops more quickly when it is population includes a mixture of nationalities. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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