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9. Some students try to combine part-time work and study, while others prefer to studyonly and work later once their courses are finished. Which do you prefer? v.1

9. Some students try to combine part-time work and study, while others prefer to studyonly and work later once their courses are finished. Which do you prefer? v. 1
In some nations, greater number of people are gaining excess weight and this is impacting their health and fitness. Main reasons for this is, people are consuming more of convenient foods and lack of physical activity. These issues can be resolved by modifying lifestyle with increasing the intake of healthy food and by regular exercising. The reasons for the increase in obesity issues in some nations is, bad eating habits and lethargic attitude. For instance, people eat more of fried food which are high in saturated fats resulting in cardiovascular problems. In addition, they gain weight because of lack of exercises. Further, overweight people are lazy to do outdoor sports activities like swimming, tennis, and badminton. A recent study conducted at Harvard university reveals that, obese people are at risk for not only heart problems but infertility issues as well. These can be solved by eating healthy foods and by working out at the gym or by doing yoga. Moreover, because of stressful lifestyle people end up eating junk food, instead of fruits and vegetables. For instance, obese people are advised to eat more of fresh green leafy vegetables in order to lose weight. Further, by working out at the gym, doing aerobics or by doing yoga one can possess good health. One of the articles in a the British medical journal reveals that, the risk of diabetes mellitus will dramatically decrease with the reduction in more than 30% of the weight. In conclusion, the aetiology of obesity in public is consuming excess convenient foods and abandoning routine exercises. However, these can be fought by increasing intake of fresh vegetables and by doing physical activity every day. Therefore, overweight problems can be solved and one can lead a healthy life. .
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations, greater number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are gaining excess weight and this is impacting their health and fitness. Main reasons for this is,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are consuming more of convenient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and lack of physical activity. These issues can
be resolved
by modifying lifestyle with increasing the intake of healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and by regular exercising.

The reasons for the increase in obesity issues in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations is,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
eating habits and lethargic attitude.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
eat more of fried
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which are high in saturated fats resulting in cardiovascular problems.
In addition
, they gain weight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lack of exercises.
Further
, overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are lazy to do outdoor sports activities like swimming, tennis, and badminton. A recent study conducted at
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Harvard university
reveals that, obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
for not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
heart problems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
infertility issues
as well
.

These can
be solved
by eating healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and by working out at the gym or by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
yoga.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of stressful lifestyle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up eating junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
instead
of fruits and vegetables.
For instance
, obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are advised
to eat more of fresh green leafy vegetables in order to lose weight.
Further
, by working out at the gym,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
aerobics or by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
yoga one can possess
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health. One of the articles in
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "a" or "the" is left.
a the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
British medical journal
reveals that, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of diabetes mellitus will
dramatically
decrease with the reduction in more than 30% of the weight.

In conclusion
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'aetiology' is British English.
aetiology
of obesity in public is consuming excess convenient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and abandoning routine exercises.
However
, these can
be fought
by increasing intake of fresh vegetables and by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
physical activity every day.
Therefore
, overweight problems can
be solved
and one can lead a healthy life.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay 9. Some students try to combine part-time work and study, while others prefer to studyonly and work later once their courses are finished. Which do you prefer? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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