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Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion v.1

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. 1
It is believed that our lifestyle has been changed dramatically due to the blessing of modern communication system and smooth access to the information and technologies. As a result, parents hardly can manage time for their children that brings a number of negative effects on their bearing. To begin with, staying with parents at the early stage of a person's life is considered to be the prime factor responsible for his good upbringing. Family is the first institution where he learns basic thing including language by imitating his parents. So if parents stay with their children less, it causes negative effects on their brain. For example, A study conducted by the Statistical Analysis Department at the University of New Hampshire on 300 teenagers who are less attentive at school and less intelligent in a high school where it found near 40% of teenagers had a communication gap. In addition to, more children are currently getting involved with crimes as their parents do not look after what their children are doing. For instance, Wall Street conducted a survey in New York on how the children who receives less attention from their parents leading them to crimes and the survey result revealed that crimes conducted by the children were between 12 and 17 have been drastically raised twice comparing with the previous decade and the prime factor was said to be the less time that the parents spent on their children. On the other hand, children can get much time to spend alone that boost their self dependence. Henry Robert, a renowned psychologist claimed that in an individualistic society where parents want their children to learn self dependence from early stage and can learn to tackle problems by their individual effort. Children from these societies can stand on their own feet. To sum up, I believe that giving less attention to children has a small number of perceived benefits, but it brings a number of negative effects for the children and parents must give more attention on the look after of their children.
It
is believed
that our lifestyle has been
changed
dramatically
due to the blessing of modern communication system and smooth access to the information and technologies.
As a result
,
parents
hardly can manage time for their
children
that brings a number of
negative
effects on their bearing.

To
begin
with, staying with
parents
at the early stage of a person's life
is considered
to be the prime factor responsible for his
good
upbringing. Family is the
first
institution where he learns basic thing including language by imitating his
parents
.
So
if
parents
stay with their
children
less
, it causes
negative
effects on their brain.
For example
, A study conducted by the Statistical Analysis Department at the University of New Hampshire on 300
teenagers
who are
less
attentive at school and
less
intelligent in a high school where it found near 40% of
teenagers
had a communication gap.
In addition
to, more
children
are
currently
getting involved with crimes as their
parents
do not look after what their
children
are doing.
For instance
, Wall Street conducted a survey in New York on how the
children
who
receives
less
attention from their
parents
leading them to crimes and the survey result revealed that crimes conducted by the
children
were between 12 and 17 have been
drastically
raised twice comparing with the previous decade and the prime factor
was said
to be the
less
time that the
parents
spent on their children.

On the other hand
,
children
can
get
much time to spend alone that boost their self dependence. Henry Robert, a renowned psychologist claimed that in an individualistic society where
parents
want their
children
to learn self dependence from early stage and can learn to tackle problems by their individual effort.
Children
from these societies can stand on their
own
feet.

To sum up, I believe that giving
less
attention to
children
has a
small
number of perceived benefits,
but
it brings a number of
negative
effects for the
children
and
parents
must
give more attention on the look after of their
children
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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