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Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion v.1

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. 1
It is believed that our lifestyle has been changed dramatically due to the blessing of modern communication system and smooth access to the information and technologies. As a result, parents hardly can manage time for their children that brings a number of negative effects on their bearing. To begin with, staying with parents at the early stage of a person's life is considered to be the prime factor responsible for his good upbringing. Family is the first institution where he learns basic thing including language by imitating his parents. So if parents stay with their children less, it causes negative effects on their brain. For example, A study conducted by the Statistical Analysis Department at the University of New Hampshire on 300 teenagers who are less attentive at school and less intelligent in a high school where it found near 40% of teenagers had a communication gap. In addition to, more children are currently getting involved with crimes as their parents do not look after what their children are doing. For instance, Wall Street conducted a survey in New York on how the children who receives less attention from their parents leading them to crimes and the survey result revealed that crimes conducted by the children were between 12 and 17 have been drastically raised twice comparing with the previous decade and the prime factor was said to be the less time that the parents spent on their children. On the other hand, children can get much time to spend alone that boost their self dependence. Henry Robert, a renowned psychologist claimed that in an individualistic society where parents want their children to learn self dependence from early stage and can learn to tackle problems by their individual effort. Children from these societies can stand on their own feet. To sum up, I believe that giving less attention to children has a small number of perceived benefits, but it brings a number of negative effects for the children and parents must give more attention on the look after of their children.
It
is believed
that our lifestyle has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
dramatically
due to the blessing of modern communication system and smooth access to the information and technologies.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
hardly can manage time for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that brings a number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on their bearing.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, staying with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
at the early stage of a person's life
is considered
to be the prime factor responsible for his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
upbringing. Family is the
first
institution where he learns basic thing including language by imitating his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
stay with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
, it causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on their brain.
For example
, A study conducted by the Statistical Analysis Department at the University of New Hampshire on 300
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
who are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
attentive at school and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
intelligent in a high school where it found near 40% of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
had a communication gap.
In addition
to, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
currently
getting involved with crimes as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
do not look after what their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are doing.
For instance
, Wall Street conducted a survey in New York on how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
Did you mean "receive"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'children' should be used.
receives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
attention from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
leading them to crimes and the survey result revealed that crimes conducted by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were between 12 and 17 have been
drastically
raised twice comparing with the previous decade and the prime factor
was said
to be the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
time that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
spent on their children.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
much time to spend alone that boost their self dependence. Henry Robert, a renowned psychologist claimed that in an individualistic society where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
want their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn self dependence from early stage and can learn to tackle problems by their individual effort.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
from these societies can stand on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
feet.

To sum up, I believe that giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
attention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
number of perceived benefits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it brings a number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
give more attention on the look after of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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