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7. Many people think that more money will make them happier. How important is money for happiness v.1

7. Many people think that more money will make them happier. How important is money for happiness v. 1
These days, It is often debated whether wealth can bring happiness in your life. Some people believe that to be happy one needs to have a huge amount of currency, but I I believe that prosperity is a state of mind and is also tied to the well being of the people we love. In this essay, I will discuss the importance of well-being First of all, A rich individual who has salary can buy all the materialistic things and may seem to be happy, but it does not imply that a poor guy is not happy. A human who is always busy earning wages and travelling for business hardly gets time to spend with his family; as a result neither he nor his family is happy. For Example a poor farmer is happy with less monetary because he spends time and enjoys meals with his children. In addition If a man who lives with their parents and has friends will be able to cope up with bad time quickly On the other hand, there is a common belief that the fund could be useful to purchase the required things, nevertheless, one cannot buy delight For instance the joy in the eyes of a mother when she gives birth to a baby cannot be bought with cash. Hence, it is clear that one cannot relate pleasure with wealth. Currency can buy a luxurious house, but cannot guarantee joy. Laughter comes from a satisfied soul and sound body while capital can only ensure the materialistic joys. " In Conclusion, Although it is a common thought that note is required to fulfil our basic needs like shelter, food, clothing, etc. But it is not the utmost factor which can constitute glee. I believe that wealth is certainly an important factor but not a sole factor to achieve bliss
These days, It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
debated whether wealth can bring happiness in your life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
one needs to have a huge amount of currency,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Possible typo: you repeated a word
I I
believe that prosperity is a state of mind and is
also
tied to the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
. In this essay, I will discuss the importance of
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
well-being


This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, A rich individual who has salary can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
all the materialistic things and may seem to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it does not imply that a poor guy is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. A human who is always busy earning wages and travelling for business hardly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
time to spend with his family;
as a result
neither he nor his family is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
For Example
a poor farmer is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
with less monetary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he spends time and enjoys meals with his children. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
addition
If a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
with their parents and has friends will be able to cope up with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
time
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
quickly


On the other hand
, there is a common belief that the fund could be useful to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the required things,
nevertheless
, one cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
delight
For instance
the joy in the eyes of a mother when she gives birth to a baby cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
with cash.
Hence
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that one cannot relate pleasure with wealth. Currency can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a luxurious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
cannot guarantee joy. Laughter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from a satisfied soul and sound body while capital can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
ensure the materialistic joys.
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"


In Conclusion
, Although it is a common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that note
is required
to fulfil our basic needs like shelter, food, clothing, etc.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it is not the utmost factor which can constitute glee. I believe that wealth is
certainly
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not a sole factor to achieve
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
bliss
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay 7. Many people think that more money will make them happier. How important is money for happiness v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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