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Many people think that more money will make them happier. How important is money for happiness? v.1

Many people think that more money will make them happier. How important is money for happiness? v. 1
Several individuals deem that wealth brings joy in life. I believe money has some significance, as it is one of the factors to attain happiness. This essay will analyse the relationship between the extent of finances and euphoria. Indeed, a wealthy individual can afford all the luxuries of life, from gorgeous cars, expensive world tours to health care facilities. Needless to say, a wealthy human is being respected in society and considered him successful. Moreover, everyone sets this individual one’s ideal as he has capital, fame and love of the people. What else one wants? Certainly, an affluent person can pay for charities, help others, and seek blessings. In addition to this, they can send their children to prestigious universities to pursue their studies, buy expensive gifts for their loved ones and live their life fullest. For instance, a man who has everything, such as relationships, health, and children, but if he does not have cash in his pockets, cannot consider himself blissful. Despite the fact, money makes the mare go; big cheques can not buy satisfaction, love of the family, and a life for a dying person. If plenty of cash in the pocket is the sole factor of happiness, all the rich people on this earth should be the happiest ones. Unfortunately, this assertion is far from reality. To exemplify, Steve Jobs, the Apple co-founder, stated while on his death bed that the wealth he has won in his life, he cannot bring with him. What he can bring are the memories that participated by love. In conclusion, although, wealth is a state of mind, which is solely a part, responsible for cheerfulness in life. A person requires everything in balance, contentment, relationships, and cash. Merely, money can not take the credit of a person’s happiness.
Several individuals deem that wealth brings joy in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. I believe money has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
significance, as it is one of the factors to attain happiness. This essay will
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
the relationship between the extent of finances and euphoria.

Indeed
, a wealthy individual can afford all the luxuries of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, from gorgeous cars, expensive world tours to health care facilities. Needless to say, a wealthy human is
being respected
in society and considered him successful.
Moreover
, everyone sets this individual one’s ideal as he has capital, fame and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. What else one wants?
Certainly
, an affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can pay for charities,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others, and seek blessings.
In addition
to this, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their children to prestigious universities to pursue their studies,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
expensive gifts for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
fullest.
For instance
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
who has everything, such as relationships, health, and children,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if he does not have cash in his pockets, cannot consider himself blissful.

Despite the fact, money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the mare go;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
Possible spelling mistake. 'cheques' is British English.
cheques
can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
satisfaction,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
of the family, and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
for a dying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. If
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of cash in the pocket is the sole factor of happiness, all the rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
on this earth should be the happiest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
. Unfortunately, this assertion is far from reality. To exemplify, Steve Jobs, the Apple co-founder, stated while on his death bed that the wealth he has won in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, he cannot bring with him. What he can bring are the memories that participated by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
.

In conclusion
, although, wealth is a state of mind, which is
solely
a part, responsible for cheerfulness in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
requires everything in balance, contentment, relationships, and cash.
Merely
, money can not take the credit of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
happiness.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people think that more money will make them happier. How important is money for happiness? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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