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58. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people's lives have already taken place. v.1

58. Although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people's lives have already taken place. v. 1
Music plays a very important role all over the world. While some people claim that music only benefits individual and communities, other's doubt whether music has several drawbacks on both. In my opinion, I think that music has both advantages as well as disadvantages and it depends on certain circumstances. In the first place, it is undeniable that songs has many positive effects on humankind. Music is one of the most favourable entertainments in every country. Music helps people not only to relax after working hard, but also to refresh and clear their mind when they feel tired and stressed. In addition to this, scientists believe that music brings benefits to human’s intellectual. For instance, some researches prove that the brain of children who listen to classical music frequently tends to develop faster than others at the same age. Nevertheless, hardly could people be beneficial from music if they still play some negative kinds. These kinds of music are the catalysts for the noise pollution, which is very harmful to human being. In the second place, it is believed that societies are taking advantage of music in many ways. To specify, gives us great opportunities to organize social events, such as concerts or singing shows on television. By dint of that, it will inspire and strengthen the sense of community and nationality in each citizen. Moreover, music also enriches culture of the nation and is even perceived as the speech of the country. For example, in the Viet Nam war, when a Vietnamese soldier heard the songs, they seemed to listen to the call of the motherland. Hence, their spirit would be enhanced and it was an important factor for the victory of the Vietnamese Army. In conclusion, music should be encouraged and developed in every country because of its enormous benefits.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
plays a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role all over the world. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
benefits individual and communities, other's doubt whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has several drawbacks on both. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has both advantages
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
disadvantages and it depends on certain circumstances.

In the
first
place, it is undeniable that songs has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects on humankind.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
is one of the most
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
entertainments in every country.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to relax after working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to refresh and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
their mind when they feel tired and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
.
In addition
to this, scientists believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
brings benefits to human’s intellectual.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
researches prove that the brain of children who listen to classical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
frequently
tends to develop faster than others at the same age.
Nevertheless
, hardly could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
be beneficial from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
if they
still
play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
kinds. These kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are the catalysts for the noise pollution, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
harmful to human being.

In the second place, it
is believed
that societies are taking advantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. To specify, gives us great opportunities to organize social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, such as concerts or singing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
on television. By dint of that, it will inspire and strengthen the sense of community and nationality in each citizen.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
also
enriches culture of the nation and is even perceived as the speech of the country.
For example
, in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Viet
Nam war, when a Vietnamese soldier heard the songs, they seemed to listen to the call of the motherland.
Hence
, their spirit would
be enhanced
and it was an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor for the victory of the Vietnamese Army.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should
be encouraged
and developed in every country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its enormous benefits.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay 58. Although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people's lives have already taken place. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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