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A well-paid job with less time spending with family or lower-paying job with more time spending with family. Which do you prefer? v.1

A well-paid job with less time spending with family or lower-paying job with more time spending with family. Which do you prefer? v. 1
Nowadays people have indeed become more health-conscious than ever before. While some argue that junk food leads to many health issues, so the government must impose heavy taxes to restrict the consumption of such products, I, however, agree with this point of view for two main reasons. One reason for deterring packaging products is it obesity. Due to technological advancement as ever-increasing inflation compels many dual couples in families to work to have a good standard of living, which does not allow them to cook at home to reach in time at the office. Consequently, such employed people often tend to eat food outside, owing to a dearth of time. Undeniably, many people have to suffer obesity problems which are inevitably a real concern currently. In contrast, if the government authorities enact stringent legislation, it will turn end-users of junk food to give priority to home-cooked food. As a result, they seem less inclined to have health problems. Low nutritious value is another reason to cease unhealthy food. Although I acknowledge that junk food is really easy to cook just within a few minutes, such products are less nutritious and lack of proteins which are imperative for strengthening the human body and muscles bones. Due to lack of such element human boy get weaken. For instance, a survey conducted by the New York Times found that 85% of employed people working in urban areas consume packaging food, which is harmful to their health. Therefore, it is need of time to restrict unhealthy food by putting high taxes. In conclusion, not only do people become obese by the utilization of junk food but also it contains extreme low carbohydrates and proteins. Therefore, I agree that the government should impose heavy taxes on unhealthy foods to discourage people from consuming it.
Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
indeed
become more health-conscious than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health issues,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
impose heavy taxes to restrict the consumption of such products, I,
however
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view for two main reasons.

One reason for deterring packaging products is it obesity. Due to technological advancement as ever-increasing inflation compels
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
dual couples in families to work to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
standard of living, which does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to cook at home to reach in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at the office.
Consequently
, such employed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
tend to eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
outside, owing to a dearth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Undeniably
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
suffer obesity problems which are
inevitably
a real concern
currently
.
In contrast
, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
authorities enact stringent legislation, it will turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
-users of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
to give priority to home-cooked
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
As a result
, they seem less inclined to have health problems.

Low nutritious value is another reason to cease unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. Although I acknowledge that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is
really
easy to cook
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
within a few minutes, such products are less nutritious and lack of proteins which are imperative for strengthening the human body and muscles bones. Due to lack of such element human boy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
weaken.
For instance
, a survey conducted by the New York
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Times
found that 85% of employed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working in urban areas consume packaging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, which is harmful to their health.
Therefore
, it
is need
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to restrict unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
by putting high taxes.

In conclusion
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become obese by the utilization of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it contains extreme low carbohydrates and proteins.
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should impose heavy taxes on unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
to discourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from consuming it.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay A well-paid job with less time spending with family or lower-paying job with more time spending with family. Which do you prefer? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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