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28. 09. 2017 It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be. Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together. Include any relevant examples from your experience. v.2

28. 09. 2017 It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be. Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together. Include any relevant examples from your experience. v. 2
Nowadays family ties have become weaker than in the past. Below some reasons of the trend and ways to revolt it will be discussed in details. To begin with, the alteration of the role played by a family in a life of a contemporary citizen is caused by several reasons. Firstly, industrialization that happened in the XIX century separated families in the rapidly evolving world. In the past families usually live in the same villages or towns for generations, often in a house that was shared with an extended family but the technological revolution encouraged young adults to seek a better life in cities and to move closer to industrial centers. Secondly, working on plants and mills allowed individuals to make enough money to live independently from their relatives. To illustrate, historically people were badly dependent on products and goods that were produced by the family but having a steady income gave individuals an indispensable opportunity to buy all needed items, food and the role of a family decreased. In other words, industrialization weakened connections among family members. However, some actions may be implemented to address the worrisome situation. Primarily, promotion of family role at school may bring a desirable result. In fact, there are formative years when child’s personality is being formed and information that is absorbed in that period shapes kid’s worldview. So, if a crucial role of a family were propagated at school, the attitude of offspring to a family would be steered in the right direction. Furthermore, modern technology provides folks with a possibility to stay in touch with mothers, fathers, grandparents and siblings without traveling. Usage of Skype, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook to converse with relatives could bring members of a family closer to one another. Thus, advocating the importance of family at the school system and using the internet might reverse the trend. To sum up, cooling of relationships among relatives is caused by technological advancement but it appears the trend may be remodeled if pupils learn the significance of family in a large scale at the right time.
Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
ties have become weaker than in the past. Below
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons of the trend and ways to revolt it will
be discussed
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the alteration of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
played by a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
in a life of a contemporary citizen
is caused
by several reasons.
Firstly
, industrialization that happened in the XIX century separated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
in the
rapidly
evolving world. In the past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the same villages or towns for generations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
that
was shared
with an extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the technological revolution encouraged young adults to seek a better life in cities and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
closer to industrial centers.
Secondly
, working on plants and mills
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
individuals to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
The usual collocation for "independently" is "of" not "from". Did you mean "independently of"?
independently from
their relatives. To illustrate,
historically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were
badly
dependent on products and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
that
were produced
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
having a steady income gave individuals an indispensable opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
all needed items, food and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
decreased.
In other words
, industrialization weakened connections among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
actions may
be implemented
to address the worrisome situation.
Primarily
, promotion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
at school may bring a desirable result. In fact, there are formative years when child’s personality is
being formed
and information that
is absorbed
in that period shapes kid’s worldview.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if a crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
were propagated
at school, the attitude of offspring to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
would
be steered
in the right direction.
Furthermore
, modern technology provides folks with a possibility to stay in touch with mothers, fathers, grandparents and siblings without traveling. Usage of Skype, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook to converse with relatives could bring members of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
closer to one another.
Thus
, advocating the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
at the school system and using the internet might reverse the trend.

To sum up, cooling of relationships among relatives
is caused
by technological advancement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it appears the trend may
be remodeled
if pupils learn the significance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
in a large scale at the right time.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay 28. 09. 2017 It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be. Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together. Include any relevant examples from your experience. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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