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25/09/2017 Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas. To what extent do you agree v.2

25/09/2017 Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas. 2
Many aver that wealthy countries ought to help those states that are less well-off with organizing trade, health care and system of education. I disagree with this prospect and reasons on which my stance is based will be discussed in details below. On the one hand, wealthy states ought to help developing states to advance essential social institutions because of several reasons. Firstly, for many generations western countries have been accumulating a considerable volume of valuable expertise in economics, law enforcement, medical care and education and those nations are morally obliged to pass this knowledge down to those who need it. Secondly, taking more responsibilities and helping poor states to develop will bring prosperity and stability to those problematic regions; consequently, this will stop the undesirable flow of refugees and immigrants to the well-off states. In other words, giving a helping hand to poorer nations has some conspicuous benefits. On the other hand, there are some reservations about blindly taking responsibility for the states with a weak economy. Primarily, investment of a considerable amount of money will likely put the receiving side in adverse, even dependent position. In fact, oftentimes financial or humanitarian aid is used as a leverage to steer political decisions in the favor of the giving side. Furthermore, even giving resources without asking for favors in return may have an adverse influence on trade, education, and health in a long run because poorer states may not be able to maintain well-functioning of those institutions without foreign help. To illustrate, as a child that has had since the early days helpers that dress him will not be able to dress himself in an adult life without caregivers. In the same vein, developing countries that rely heavily on the west’s aid and advice could not design needed structures or be able to develop them on their own. Those are plausible disadvantages of helping poorer states. In my opinion, providing poor states with resources, helping with the expertise to establish efficient health trade and education system should be done extremely carefully due to the developing states must stay independent and resourceful.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
aver that wealthy countries ought to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
states
that are less well-off with organizing trade, health care and system of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. I disagree with this prospect and reasons on which my stance
is based
will
be discussed
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
below.

On the one hand, wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
states
ought to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
The verb 'help' is used with an infinitive: "to develop" or "develop".
developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
states
to advance essential social institutions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of several reasons.
Firstly
, for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
generations western countries have been accumulating a considerable volume of valuable expertise in economics, law enforcement, medical care and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and those nations are
morally
obliged to pass this knowledge down to those who need it.
Secondly
, taking more responsibilities and helping poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
states
to develop will bring prosperity and stability to those problematic regions;
consequently
, this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
the undesirable flow of refugees and immigrants to the well-off
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
states
.
In other words
, giving a helping hand to poorer nations has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
conspicuous benefits.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reservations about
blindly
taking responsibility for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
states
with a weak economy.
Primarily
, investment of a considerable amount of money will likely put the receiving side in adverse, even dependent position. In fact, oftentimes financial or humanitarian aid is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a leverage to steer political decisions in the favor of the giving side.
Furthermore
, even giving resources without asking for favors in return may have an adverse influence on trade,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, and health in a long run
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
states
may not be able to maintain well-functioning of those institutions without foreign
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
. To illustrate, as a child that has had since the early days helpers that dress him will not be able to dress himself in an adult life without caregivers. In the same vein,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
that rely
heavily
on the west’s aid and advice could not design needed structures or be able to develop them on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. Those are plausible disadvantages of helping poorer states.

In my opinion, providing poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
states
with resources, helping with the expertise to establish efficient health trade and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system should
be done
extremely
carefully
due to the developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
states
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
stay independent and resourceful.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay 25/09/2017 Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations. However, the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
351 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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