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21. Some people like to spend their spare time with friends, some people like to spend it alone. Which one do you prefer? v.1

21. Some people like to spend their spare time with friends, some people like to spend it alone. Which one do you prefer? v. 1
Naturally, people are stubborn and feared of changes especially when it comes to the way of living. This behaviour has prevented some of the discoveries, innovations and technologies that could benefit mankind. It is suggested that people should overcome that fear and have more openness to change from their hearts. Firstly, the disruptions of various scientific knowledges were usually come from nervousness, specifically, in the name of religion. One example is, which we all know, in Italy, when the Vatican church put Galileo in jail for telling that the Earth is rotating around the Sun. Despite the evidences Galileo had, he lost to the fear that he would unveil the god’s secret which those priests would never let that happened. Not to mentioned other scientific discoveries around the globe which was a taboo at the time. These actions made the civilization hard to flourish, as all knowledge kept being swept in the name of the unchanged beliefs. Secondly, the way to fix the stubbornness of the people is to open up their minds that progress comes with changes and new findings. For example, making people to know sciences at a young age. This measure will possibly make them familiar with changes and developments because sciences teach us to never stay in the same place. And as they’re moving to do something, they might find something interesting and may discover the new breakthrough. And they can cope with that situation because of their scientific traits which have already nurtured them to accept changes. Finally, to eradicate the fear of changes because of their closed minds, it is recommended to put people to study sciences and open up their hearts. As an open heart is always ready for upcoming uncertainties.
Naturally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are stubborn and feared of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
especially
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the way of living. This
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
discoveries, innovations and technologies that could benefit mankind. It
is suggested
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should overcome that fear and have more openness to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
from their hearts.

Firstly
, the disruptions of various scientific
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowledges
were
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from nervousness,
specifically
, in the name of religion. One example is, which we all know, in Italy, when the Vatican church put Galileo in jail for telling that the Earth is rotating around the Sun. Despite the evidences Galileo had, he lost to the fear that he would unveil the god’s secret which those priests would never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
that happened. Not to mentioned other scientific discoveries around the globe which was a taboo at the time. These actions made the civilization
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to flourish, as all knowledge
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
being swept
in the name of the unchanged beliefs.

Secondly
, the way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
the stubbornness of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is to open up their minds that progress
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
and new findings.
For example
, making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to know sciences at a young age. This measure will
possibly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them familiar with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
and developments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
sciences teach us to never stay in the same place. And as they’re moving to do something, they might find something interesting and may discover the new breakthrough. And they can cope with that situation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their scientific traits which have already nurtured them to accept
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
.

Finally
, to eradicate the fear of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their closed minds, it
is recommended
to put
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to study sciences and open up their hearts. As an open heart is always ready for upcoming uncertainties.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay 21. Some people like to spend their spare time with friends, some people like to spend it alone. Which one do you prefer? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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